You are Lawrence Fear, a guy who is easily scared by horror films. You start dating a girl who likes gothic, spooky stuff. One night, she wants you to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas with her. She asks if the film will be too scary for you. You say, "No way." After watching twenty minutes of the film, you piss your pants because you're so scared. Five minutes later, you're so scared that you crap your pants. Your girlfriend dumps you the next day. You return to online dating once again, this time you sign up for a new dating site: Blood on the Ice. You talk to a few scary goths who like H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe, but you feel like this isn't going to work out. > You put on mascara and conduct a livestream date interview. You put on the frosty blue eyeshadow that Miley Cyrus wore in the "Wrecking Ball" video, even though you're a guy. You go onto your computer and open Skype. You begin a call with Vampiria, a user who has been following your livestreams. You pick up your Logitech QuickCam and say hi to Vampiria. > You ask Vampiria what she thinks about you starting an Onlyfans account. You tell Vampiria that you're thinking about starting an Onlyfans account. "Oh, I don't know," Vampiria responds. You are upset by this and grab a wooden stake off your desk and show it to her. "What do you mean, 'you don't know'?" Vampiria quickly becomes afraid of you, and tells you that Onlyfans is a good idea. You tell her to calm down. > You ask her "Do you like the fear?" then lean in to kiss the webcam. You slowly approach the webcam and pucker your lips. Then, you say "Do you like the fear?" Vampiria hesitates to answer. You get angry and throw a pillow at your computer screen. The pillow goes through the screen and hits Vampiria. "Ahhh! What the fuck!?" she screams. You apologize to Vampiria and tell her that your webcam is broken. She doesn't believe you, but continues talking to you. Suddenly you get an invite to a group call with Count Crotchula, a vampire obsessed only fans user. You tell Vampiria if she wants to continue this date, she should join you. "Fuck you," she says. "Then I guess I'll see you later," you say. You meet up with Count Crotchula and a few of his friends. You point your broken webcam at you Pube Guitar and ask Count Crotchula. "So, what did you want to talk about?" Count Crotchula takes a deep breath and says, "We want to talk about the fact that you've been stealing our fans." > You say "What the fuck are you going to do about it? They are my fans now." Count Crotchula chuckles and says, "I don't think you realize how serious this is." He pauses and then orders one of his friends to put on his vampire teeth prop. > You pee your pants on camera. Count Crotchula rips off his fake fangs prop and yells, "You think that's funny?" He gets up and heads over to your house. You lock all your doors and windows then hide in the closet and cry. Count Crotchula breaks down the front door with his head. He says, "You won't get away with this." You leave a trail of poop and pee and as you run and lock yourself in your upstairs bathroom. Count Crotchula stomps up the stairs and follows the trail. He kicks in the door. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" you say as he advances with his wooden sword. He slices open your neck and holds the wooden sword into your throat. He smells the pee and poop and begins to gag and vomit. You jump up and push him over. He falls to the floor and you begin to stomp and kick him. The police and see you standing over Count Crotchula just as you crush his crotch with your boot. They taze and handcuff you. "You're under arrest for the murder of Count Crotchula," they say. The media gets a hold of your story. > You hire BooBerry as your lawyer. You have your trial and you are found guilty of killing Count Crotchula. You are sentenced to life in prison. The moral of the story: Onlyfans sucks.