Shrek, a large green ogre with many internal layers like an onion

Posted under Episode 164, Story On By Chief

Your name is Shrek. You are a large green ogre with many internal layers like an onion. You live in a small home in a swamp. The swamp is yours but more and more people have begun to trespass. You must kick these people out and defend your swamp.
Your best friends are...
There are many to choose from, try again!

> You go on a quest to find a best friend.
You decide to leave your swamp to go and find more friends. It takes a while but you manage to find some. There are some people that don't want to let you stay with them so you have to go and find new friends. You keep on travelling until you've been everywhere and you've become famous.

> You are interview by Barbara Walters about your travelling.
You sit down for an interview with Barbara Walters. She is very mean to you and asks questions like "What do you eat?" You don't know what to say so you make something up like onions and flies. This makes people angry so they send hunters after you. You run away and find a new place to live, India.

> You settle in Kerala, India, on a rubber farm. You make friends with a neighboring farmer. His name is Tony.
You move into a house on the edge of the rubber farm and plant some sugar cane nearby. Nobody bothers you here and you live in peace until you die of old age.
Many people show up to your funeral who claim to be your friends. They all tell stories about you and laugh. You are put into a hole in the ground and covered with dirt.
A chemical truck passing by has an accident and spills all of the toxic waste on your grave. The radiation returns you to life. You are unhappy with how you came back to life and decide you want to come back a different way.

> You come back to life as an onion who eats ogres.
You die many times and each time you come back as something very different. You are eventually eaten by a small child.
You have been eaten by a small child.
The child is interviewed by Barbara Walters. 
Barbara Walter interviews the child that ate you. 
"Who are you?" 
"I am a small child." "Where are you from?" 
"I am from a small house." "What do you want?" 
"I want to grow up, get rich, and then die."

> You burst out of the child's stomach as a baby donkey. Doing so does not kill the child.
You are a baby donkey for a few years and have fun. You roll around in the dirt and eat grass. One day you play with another baby donkey but get too excited and accidently butt heads with him. Your skull cracks open and kills you instantly.
You have been killed by a baby donkey.

> You go to donkey heaven.
Baby donkeys go to heaven when they die. You are a big donkey so you go to the regular heaven instead.
You are in heaven now. It is very nice and you are happy. In fact, you're so happy that you smile for ten whole years!
At the start of year 11, you realize that you have to be hear for eternity, and that makes you very depressed. So depressed, that you kill yourself!
You are now in hell.
In hell, you meet a beautiful woman. You talk to her for a while and realize that you have found your soul mate. You get married shortly after meeting her and have two children. After your children become teenagers they have children of their own.

> You never die again.
Everything is perfect. Your wife dies of old age and you are very sad. You are still happy most of the time though.
You die of natural causes at the age of eighty-two.