Mark Mikkerson, a Swedish chef

Posted under Episode 164, Story On By Chief

You are Mark Mikkerson, a Swedish chef. You are serious about being a chef, but people constantly ask you about the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show, and you hate it. You go to a bar to drink away your sorrows and meet a beautiful woman there. She tells you her name is Bork. You talk to Bork about cooking and life in general. You drink a lot. You don't know how, but you end up at Bork's place. You aren't sure what happens after that, but you hope nothing bad happens.

> You decide to cook Bork some breakfast. You decide to invent a new recipe.
You go into the kitchen to cook. You find eggs, milk, bacon, and something that looks like it might be pig testicles. You search for a pan so you can make an omelet.
"What are you looking for?" Bork says.
"A frying pan.
Gordon Ramsay bursts into the kitchen and hand frying pan. He says he will televise your cooking live. You have to make an omelet within the hour and you can't fail. You have one try.
You are cooking better than you ever have in your life. You decide the dish needs a special ingredient, you open the fridge and pull out...

Bork yells at you for using caviar. You say it's mayo. You both realize how silly that would look and laugh, but the viewers won't find it as funny. The show gets cancelled.
You decide to just make an omelet.
Gordon Ramsay eats the omelette and loves it so much that he starts crying. He offers you a job at his new Swedish restaurant. You decide to take it so you can be close to Bork. Everything turns out great... except for one thing. You're still making omelets.

> You go to Gordon Ramsay and ask him for a promotion.
You receive a promotion to Sous Chef. You work under the head chef, who is the main leader and supervisor of all the chefs at the restaurant. As sous chef, you take over for the head chef from time to time and oversee the other chefs and cooks in the kitchen.
Gordon is mad at you because you don't scream at the employees enough. Every time you try to yell at one of your underlings, you end up taking the wrath of Chef Ramsay instead. You try to explain that it's because you care about their feelings, but it doesn't work.
One day, a giant roach crawls out of the kitchen garbage can.
Gordon is standing next to you, he says, "DO IT! JUST CALL IT WHAT REALLY IS! UNLEASH THE RAGE!!!!"
You look at the giant cockroach with disgust and try to stand your ground.
"Why is this bug so disgusting? Why can't I feel empathy for it? Why do I feel an overwhelming urge to step on it?"
"Because you're a chef, that's why!"
The roach says, "Please don't kill me, I just want to be a chef like you!"
You scream at it, "YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CHEF! YOU'RE A ROTTEN, SMELLY, COCKROACH! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE WINGS!" You start stomping on the roach, screaming.
Gordon loves it and gives you your own restaurant. You work there for the rest of your life. Your food sucks, but people are too afraid of you to complain.

> You know deep down that your food sucks, so you attend cooking school at night in secret.
You work crazy hours at your job. You try to attend cooking school as much as you can, but it's way too busy to do everything.
In the mornings, you yell at your underlings and pretend to enjoy it. In the evenings, you take the subway across town to your school.
You are sitting on the subway studying for a baking exam when you see Mary Berry sitting across from you. You try to impress her and get her to mentor you.

Mary says you need to watch your tone if you want her to help you. You apologize profusely and she says she'll help you out. You do so well on the exam that the teacher offers to let you take it again for a better grade.
You continue this routine for years.

> You your cooking get much better. People start lining up to eat at your restaurant.
After years of hard work, your food gets much better. People are actually willing to wait in line for an hour just to eat at your restaurant. Your success puts a huge smile on your face. You did it! The little boy who once imagined he was cooking for the entire world was now living that very dream!

> You invite Mary to eat at your restaurant. You serve her your best dish, and she screams. There is a cockroach in it!
You try to apologize, but she's long gone.
You see her on the evening news, accusing you of trying to kill her with a rare poisonous roach.
You're arrested by the health department and spend the rest of your life in prison.

> You get a job working in the prison kitchen. One of the prisoners approaches you and says...
"I've heard you're a hard worker. I know of a secret entrance to the kitchens in the palace. For a price, I can tell you about it."
"Tell me more.
You give him all you coffee and cigarettes and he tells you.
The next day, you approach the palace kitchen and are let in. The king is sitting at a table. He looks very sad.
"I've heard all about you, Chef. I'm impressed by your accomplishments. But I have to say, I'm very upset that you didn't invite me to dinner at your restaurant."
You make the King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden the dish that made you famous: a pig testicle omelet topped with caviar. He loves it.
The King and you become friends and he names you chef of the palace.

> You ask the king to order that all the cockroaches in the land be pardoned.
You make life easier for millions of roaches around the world. The United Nations names you "World's Greatest Human." You become very popular and respected.
Sometimes, people will call you a fool for your actions, but then they will remember that these cockroaches can fly planes into buildings.
Finally, world peace is at hand.
You change your mind and kill all the roaches. You are heralded as a hero around the world.