Brad, sneezed at Uncle’s funeral and knocked him out of his casket

Posted under Episode 164, Story On By Chief

Your name is Brad. You are at your uncle's funeral. Your Aunt is in the middle of giving her eulogy when you feel like you have to sneeze. You know your Aunt doesn't like you, and if you interrupt her speech she will be furious. You decide to...
You walk to the end of your row, lean over the railing, and let out a huge sneeze into the next row of people. You feel proud of how sneaky you were.
You have reached the eulogy portion of the program.
You get up and decide to say some words about your late Uncle. It feels a little weird to be talking in front of all these people, but you are doing it in front of your Uncle's casket. Maybe he can hear you.
You decide to say....
Your mouth feels funny. You try to say the words but nothing is coming out. It's like your mouth has turned to mush.
You try really hard but the only thing that comes out is a quiet "blorp". Everyone looks at you. Your face is getting red.

> You get light headed and fall backwards knocking over your uncle's casket.
You start to get light headed and fall over the railing onto your Uncle's casket. The lid falls off and his body falls out and onto the floor. People gasp and conversations start. You try to pick up the casket but you are so weak you can't even do that. You pass out.

> You wake up in the lobby of the funeral home. Your aunt is staring down at you. She is furious.
You wake up in the lounge of the funeral home. Your whole family is standing over you. Your uncle's casket is nowhere to be seen. You must still be in his house!
Your aunt glares down at you and says,
"You really are a monster!" she then storms out the front door.

> You after your aunt leaves you say really bad insults about her to your family. You say...
"She has a big..."
You never find out what insulting thing you were going to say about your aunt because you are suddenly transported to a small, dark room. Your face feels wet. You reach up and feel that there is a bucket over your head. You can't get it off. You feel something dripping down your chest.

> You hear a voice. It is your aunt. She says, "Never insult a witch."
You hear a cackle and something dripping on you.
You feel your body go numb. You pass out.
You wake up and you are in a shark tank. You see a shark charge towards you, but stops. The shark speaks, "Brad?"
"Yes," you say. "I'm in a shark tank!"
"I'm George," the shark says. "We've been captured by an evil witch and are trapped in her basement. If we don't escape we will surely die."
You look around.
The shark tells you that the witch's only weakness is very dirty insults.
"Let's see if I can remember any," you say.
"She is very short," says the shark.
"Short and fat," you reply.
"She smells like a dead whale."
"Her face is as ugly as Mick Jagger's," you reply.
The shark tells you to keep going with the insults and eventually you will be able to escape your cages.
You insult the witch for hours. Finally, a door opens and the witch comes down into the basement. She looks ugly and mean. Ugly and meaner than your Dad on payday.
"You won't get away with insulting me,"

> You give the witch the biggest insult in history. You tell her...
That her brother is actually a mermaid that lives in the Amazon. You know this is true because you saw it on Animal Planet.
Once you tell her this, she looks shocked and confused. She lets you out of your cage and runs upstairs as fast as she can. You and George are free.

> You carry George to the ocean and tell him to swim free and be happy.
You carry George to the nearest ocean and release him. He swims away as fast as he can. You want him to be happy.
"Now, we must find a way to get rid of the witch," you say.
"Let's call the army," says George. "They will know what to do."
You, George, and the US Army storm your Aunt's beach house and attempt to take her down. She is so old looking and small that they are able to storm in and subdue her with no issue.
After this, you live happily ever after. You manage to pay off your uncle's debts and even have enough money to buy a house for you and George. You live there happily for many years to come.
You give a eulogy at your aunt's funeral. You list many insults. It goes on for hours. Soon, her maid turns off the TV and sarcastically asks what you're watching.
You tell her it's something called Final...
You go through your Uncle's possessions and find a warlock spell book. Against better judgement, you read from it.
Suddenly, a portal opens up and a demon pops out.
You tell him he has bad breath and he unleashes a fireball in your face.
You burn to death before anyone can help you.
George finds the book and casts a spell to bring you back to life. When he does this, however, the Great Pumpkin appears. He gets scared and hides.
The world is then forever cursed to celebrate Halloween each and every year.
You test fate and read from your Uncle's spell book again. Your tongue falls off for your troubles.
You are then cursed to a life of silence.
Women love that you are the silent type. All of them.
The End.