Virtual Jason, Time Magazine’s Man of the Year

Posted under Episode 159, Story On By Chief

You are Jason, Time Magazine's Man of the Year. You were given this honor, because your show, AIPD, is one of the best things about the year 2020. Time Magazine wants you to write an article describing the history and impact of AIPD. You don't know what to write, so you go to your co-stars, Tony and Jim, for help. Tony thinks about what to do, while Jim says, "I've got something."

"What?" you and Anthony ask.
"I'm going to write it."
Curious, you ask, "how?"
Jim gives you a piece of paper.

> You open the paper and see a satanic pentagram drawn on it.
In Jim's handwriting, you read this:
"O mighty Satan, please bless this article and make it the best thing ever."
With a chuckle, you crumple up the paper and throw it away.

The paper bursts into flames.
 You gasp, then sigh and say, "it was a nice idea."
At that moment, the three of you hear a booming voice.

Satan appears before you and offers to write the best speech ever for you.
 He says if you don't accept his help, you will be cursed to be the worst person ever. If you do, you will be the best person ever.
"What should we do?" asks Jim.
You ask, "Can I sleep on it?"

"Sure," says Satan, "I'll be back tomorrow."
The next day...

> You ignore Satan's phone calls.
The next day, a very angry Satan shows up at your front door. He grabs you and drags you to Hell. Such a shame that you didn't accept his help...

> You say "What the hell, I was going to say yes!"
You say yes. You agree to let Satan help you out. He agrees to your terms. It's a deal!
You shake hands, and just like that you're a celebrity.

The next night you give your acceptance speech at the Times man of the year award ceremony. You start your speech by saying..

"Think about it, folks! Everyone has to use the bathroom sometime!"
The crowd bursts into applause, and your speech is a tremendous success. Thanks for reading!

The police contact you regarding ties to a sex scandal.
 They think you were having an affair with a certain pop star.
Your response?
"Yes, I did have sex with that woman. I'm not sorry at all." The media goes crazy.

> You ask the media "Why is this a scandal?"
The police, the FBI, the CIA, and even the President himself call you up. The media goes crazy. They want to know every single detail about your sex life. Your reputation is ruined.

> You go to hell to yell at Satan about how the deal worked out.
Hell's gates are massive. Lightning strikes the ground, and demons howl in pain. You approach the gates.
"I want to see Satan!" you shout.
A demon comes up to you.
 "Have you come to repent your sins?" he asks.
"No, I came to yell at Satan for my terrible deal!"
He shakes his head. "Nobody gets to see Satan."

> You pull out the contract that you had him sign and insist that he agreed to your terms.
He looks at the contract, and grins. "Why yes, it seems you can see Satan. Come with me." He takes you in through the gates of hell. You are lead to a massive castle.

> You say hi to Cerberus the three-headed dog on your way to see Satan.
The three-headed dog barks when he sees you. "Nice doggy," you say.
"BAD PERSON!" barks all three of his heads.
"I'm not a bad person!"

> You see Satan finishing a meeting with Ellen DeGeneres.
"I'm sorry, but the answer is still no," you hear Satan say.
"Please?" asks Ellen. "I won't say anything about this!"
"No. Now leave."

> You say "What the hell, Satan? You fucked me on this deal!"
"It seems that you didn't read your contract."
"What does a contract have to do with a deal between me and Satan?" you ask.
"You didn't see the fine print?"

> You look at the fine print, it's written in microscopic font. It just says, "FUCK YOU!"
You see Satan, laughing at you from his office. He's pointing at the fine print on your contract, which says, "FUCK YOU!" in massive letters.