Your name is Steve Harvey. You are the host of Family Feud, America's greatest game show. You are backstage before the show, meeting tonight's contestants. You enter the dressing room and notice one of the contestants looks familiar. You recognize them from... somewhere. "Hello." You say. "Hello, Mr. Harvey!" The contestant responds. Suddenly it all comes back to you. You were in an airport years ago and happened to sit next to this man on a plane. You had a conversation about family, that's why he looks familiar. "Do you remember me?" The man asks. > You say "Ah yes, the family guy. I remember, do I give shit?" "Well I recognize you too." The man says. He's flattered, but you've already forgotten his name. You ask the audience who knows his name... The man tells you, "I'm your son!" "Wha- really? I didn't know I had a son!" You're genuinely surprised; you always figured you weren't the fatherly type. > You look around the rest of the dressing room and see a woman you used to date and say "OH HELL YEAH I REMEMBER THAT ASS." "Annoying Talk Show Host is my mom, bro!" You tell the man. He's shocked. "Wha.. how did that happen? > You explain to your son how babies are made. You sit down with your son and tell him the story of how you and his mother first met. He listens to the story intently, but seems unimpressed. "That's it?" He asks. > You smack him lightly and say "Don't disrespect your father!" You are filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. You remember this show. This is a personal hell. The audience laughs at you as you fumble through the rest of the show, and at the end you get fired. > You and your son go on the Wendi Williams show to settle your differences. You and your son go on the Wendi Williams show to talk about what happened. The whole argument is caught on tape, then shown to your mom. "These guys are stealing my money for drugs." She says. > You say "It's true, I sell illegally made Italian suits with child labor and I pump them full of adderall." The audience laughs at you and your son, they turn on each other. Eventually you run his car off the road and into a tree after a turbulent argument. You return home, without your son. You hear a knock at the door. You open it up and see men in fine Italian suits standing on your doorstep. "Where's my son?" You ask. "We'll get to that, please come with us." You're thrown into the back of a van and it speeds away. The van pulls up at the "Wheel of Fortune" studio. This is a familiar place, you've been here many times to do your own show. "Come on, let's go." The men grab you and lead you into the building. You find yourself backstage. Pat Sajak appears in an Italian suit you sold him that is coming apart at the seams. He has brass knuckles and doesn't look like he wants to talk. "Hey." You say. "You sold my parents Italian suits that ripped themselves apart". He says. "That wasn't very nice." "I didn't know they were your parents", You respond. The large stage curtain opens up revealing your son bruised and bloody, strapped to a chair, with Vanna White holding a fork to his throat. "Let's settle this like adults." You and Pat square up. > You say "Hey son, in case I die, what is your name?" "It's..." He starts to say, but Pat shuts him up by smashing his face in the concrete with a powerful punch. You catch him as he falls and drop him gently on the floor. > You say "Sorry? I didn't catch that, can you say it again?" Pat's brass knuckles shatter your jaw and you collapse to the floor, out cold. "There, now we can get started." Pat says. "Now you can die pissed off at each other." > You say "Survey says you made me angry." Your face is smashed in by the brass knuckles again, and you die angry. You son stands up and uppercuts Pat Sajak sending him flying backwards, he screams "You can fuck with me, my name is... ! ', but Vanna slits his throat from behind with the fork. You die angry, and your son dies angry.
Steve Harvey, host of the Family Feud
Posted under Episode 159, Story On By Chief