Rick Vaughn, baseball pitcher and convicted felon

Posted under Episode 154, Story On By Chief

You are baseball pitcher Rick Vaughn, a convicted felon released from a California prison after serving time for stealing a car

Former Las Vegas showgirl Rachel Phelps inherits the Cleveland Indians baseball team from her deceased husband. Phelps hates Cleveland and wants to relocate the team to Miami. The Indians' contract with Cleveland contains an escape clause stipulating that the team may relocate if attendance for the entire season is below 800,000. That means they have to finish dead last to relocate to Miami. Determined to put together the worst team in the Major Leagues, Phelps hires Lou Brown, the manager for the Toledo Mud Hens, to manage the team and promotes former manager Charlie Donovan to general manager.

During spring training in Tucson, Arizona, the team's shortcomings become evident. The team's lone star, third baseman Roger Dorn, is an egotistical prima donna whose skills have faded. Staff ace Eddie Harris has to rely on illegally doctoring the baseball due to his weakening arm. Pedro Cerrano, a voodoo-practicing Cuban import with significant power, cannot hit curve balls and clashes with the devoutly Christian Harris. Veteran catcher Jake Taylor, a former star who had spent the last few years playing in the Mexican League after his knees gave out, has lost so much strength on his throws that he cannot reach second base.

The two players who draw the most attention are brash young outfielder Willie Mays Hayes, who showed up at spring training without an invitation, and pitcher Rick Vaughn, a convicted felon released from a California prison after serving time for stealing a car. Hayes claims he can "run like Hayes", and "hit like Mays". He proves to be the fastest player on the team, but is unable to hit. Vaughn has a fastball in the mid 90s, but has no control over it, which earns him the nickname "Wild Thing".

The team predictably starts the season on a losing streak. Lou then discovers Vaughn's control issues stem from an uncorrected visual impairment. After being fitted with glasses, Vaughn's performance improves with additional coaching and assistance from Taylor, and the team begins to win. Meanwhile, Taylor tries to reunite with his ex-girlfriend Lynn despite her being engaged to another man.

Phelps, angered by the team's improvement, tries to demoralize them by removing team amenities. She replaces their chartered team jet, first with a rickety propeller plane and then an old bus. She then refuses to fix their workout equipment, and even has the hot water to the locker room turned off. Despite her efforts the team continues to win and brings themselves into contention for the division championship.

Eventually Charlie decides to reveal Phelps's plan to Lou. Lou then calls a team meeting and announces that all of the players on the current roster would be released or sent back to the minors at the end of the season. With nothing to lose, Taylor states to the team that they should focus on winning the pennant. If they win the division, Phelps can't move the team or get rid of them. For added motivation, they use a cardboard cutout of Phelps from her showgirl days, peeling off sections of clothing for each game they win.

The team succeeds in tying with the New York Yankees for first place in the American League East division, leading to a one-game playoff to determine the division championship. Lou decides to start Harris in place of Vaughn due to Harris's experience. Vaughn then ends up in bed with a woman who he later finds out is Roger's wife Suzanne Dorn, who had sex with Vaughn as revenge for her husband being unfaithful during a victory party.

In the playoff game in Cleveland, the game is scoreless until the top of the seventh when the Yankees take a 2-0 lead, but in the bottom of the seventh, Cerrano finally gets a good pitch and hits a home run to tie the game. The ninth inning begins with Harris loading the bases after recording two outs. The Yankees best hitter Clu Haywood is next to bat. Earlier in the season Haywood faced Vaughn and hit a home run. Lou decides to bring in Vaughn to relieve Harris. Vaughn strikes out Haywood on three straight fastballs with the third pitch clocked at 101 miles per-hour. In the bottom of the inning, the Yankees bring out "The Duke", their headhunting closer. Hayes singles and steals second base. Taylor lays down an unexpected bunt. Hayes advances to third, then catches the Yankees off guard by dashing for home. He scores, and the Indians win the game.

As the team celebrates, Dorn punches Vaughn in the face for what happened the night before but then quickly pulls him up so they can keep celebrating. Phelps is upset the team won the division championship. Taylor spots Lynn in the stands, no longer wearing her engagement ring. The two rush to hug each other as the city celebrates the victory.

Vaughn is called in from the bullpen to get the save in the last game of the regular season and lights up the radar gun at 101 mph.

> You decide there are no human challengers worthy of facing you and your team. You call up NASA to make a robot baseball team that would give you a run for your money.
In a secret warehouse somewhere in Nevada, NASA assembles the world's most technologically advanced baseball team.

> You and your baseball team challenge NASA's new baseball team.
You arrive in the warehouse and take your positions to face off against the Robonauts. On the first pitch, you see the catcher, wearing a spacesuit, is unable to move his legs.

> You throw a fastball.
As you throw your fastball, the batter manages to hit it back at you with amazing force. It hits you in the nose and you are carted off on a stretcher.
You lose - "The End"

> You wake in the hospital. A doctor is sitting by your bed. He tells you they had to give you a robotic nose because your original nose was obliterated.
"Is there any way I can get my original nose back?" you ask.
"Listen here, if you want that thing back, you're going to have to see a psychiatrist," the doctor replies and leaves.

Before you leave, you ask the doctor to tell you a joke.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
He replies, "To get to the other side."
You laugh, "That's awfull."

The doctor tells you, "Knock knock." You say, "Who's there?" The doctor says...

"Well you're not a very good listener are you?"
You chuckle and tell the doctor, "Thank you, I needed that." The doctor smiles and leaves the room.

> You test out your new robotic nose. You see a woman at the elevator spraying perfume, she is about 100 feet away.
You fire a jet of cologne at her. You hit her in the face and she faints. You snicker, "I guess my new robotic nose works."
The woman's boyfriend steps out of the elevator.

The boyfriend attempts to fight you on behalf of his girlfriend's honor.

You jet a stream of pepper spray at him. He clutches his eyes and falls to the floor, screaming.
The police arrive and arrest you for assaulting an old lady with your cologne.

> You say "I don't need a robotic nose to know you cops stink!"
The police place you in a chokehold. You are unable to breathe.
You lose - "The End"

> You use your robotic nose to steal all the oxygen in the police station making all police pass out. Then you snort the keys to your cell and escape.
You make it outside and hide in a garden nursery. That night, you see a truck pull up to the police station. The driver gets out and goes inside. You see he has left the keys in the ignition.

> You steal the mans truck and head for Mexico.
You are chased by police for stealing the truck. You are able to lose them in a maze of alleys. You drive to the border and are unable to cross.

> You snort all of the water out of the Rio Grande and walk across the border into Mexico. You begin a new life under the name Senor Snortega.
You live to be 90 years old, fathering 34 illegitimate children with 3 different women before finally succumbing to a heart attack while having sex with a 17 year old.
You lose - "The End"