Virtual Tony fights his addiction to moon pies

Posted under Episode 153, Story On By Chief

You are Tony and you have a crippling addiction to moon pies. Your addiction has led you to make questionable changes in your life like joining a group of moon pie enthusiasts that travel the country doing anything for a sweet treat. Your friends, Jason and Jim, notice this and decide it is time to do something about it. You enter a room with all your close family and friends, Jason stands up and says, "Tony, this is an intervention." Jim stands up and starts reading a letter that says
 you have a disease called moon pie dependency.


> You ask your Doctor, who is sitting by the door, if this is contagious.
Your Doctor tells you that it is not contagious, but it is hereditary and you could pass it down to your children. You think about your young children and how you need to set a good example for them.


> You say "Hey Doctor, what prescribe me to fix this addiction?"
The Doctor looks at you and says, "While I can't prescribe you anything, there is a pie eating contest in five miles where we are headed, you should enter that, it might do you some good.

You enter the moon pie eating contest.
 You finish 41 pies, earning you the first place ribbon.
"You see!" You exclaim with your mouth full of pie, "I can quit anytime I want!"

You continue eating moon pies well throughout the night. You eat over 300 moon pies.
 Your family is concerned, but you continue to claim you can quit anytime.

You read in the morning paper that there has been a huge explosion at the Moon Pie factory. All Moon Pie production has stopped.
 Your family thinks this might be a sign from God. You decide that you are not going to eat anymore moon pies.
You get a call the next day, it's from your Mother.

Your mother says she noticed a weird item on her credit card bill from ebay that had "LAST MOON PIE BOX". It was $3000.
00, which is pretty expensive for a box of moon pies. You tell your mom that you've decided to sell the last box of moon pies on ebay because you are trying to quit.

You stare at the last box of Moonpies. A tear rolls down your cheek.
 You carry the box down to the garage and set it on a shelf. You take one last, longing gaze at the box of Moonpies before closing the door to the garage.

You successfully sell the moon pies. You are shaking, but you manage. Then an anonymous person leaves a recipe for makeshift moon pies on your doorstep.
 You read it and realize that these are not the same as the real thing. You start to cry.
You head back into the garage to look at the box of moon pies, but you notice it's gone.

You decide to track down the package of Moon Pies. You double check the mailing address and notice it is your mother's house.
 You call and ask her about it.
You mom says, "Yeah, some guy in a uniform dropped this off yesterday. Weird."


> You shove your mother down and sprint for the box of moon pies. When you open it, you notice it is empty. You scream at your Mother to tell you what happened!
Your mother says, she doesn't know what you're talking about. Then you notice someone else in the house.
It's your sister. She is sitting in the corner of the kitchen covered in a blanket.

You pull the blanket off your sister. You see Moon Pie crumbs on her lips. You scream in rage!

"Why would you do this to me?"
Your sister screams, "I'm sorry!

You feel light headed and woozy from Moon Pie withdrawal. You pass out, and wake up in a hospital bed.

You are covered in tubes and wires. You think to yourself, "I don't need to be here."
You rip out all of the tubes and wires connected to you. A bunch of doctors run in.

The doctors inform you that you have super diabetes and that if you don't have these tubes and wires you will die. You see the tubes and wires are connected to a vat of marshmallow fluff.

You rip out the IV in your arm and start slurping the marshmallow fluff. It's not moon pie filling, but it will have to do.
The doctors quickly leave.


> You say "I can quit anytime I want"
You wake up the next morning, the box of moon pies is in front of you. You look inside and count 30 moon pies. You then remember that you ate the last box of moon pies last night.

Jim Christ stands in front of you and he says "You are in Heaven now. You can eat all the Moonpies you want here. Forever."

You say "Wait, what about my family? My wife and kids?"
Jim says "They will be taken care of. Don't worry."
You eat a handful of moon pies. They taste great.