You are Wayne Fritters, a guy who has been kicked out of a restaurant for being shirtless and barefoot. The restaurant proudly displays a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" sign. The next day, you return to the restaurant. This time, you're wearing a shirt and shoes, but nothing else except for a loincloth. You sit down. The waiter comes to you and complains about how you're dressed, but since you're following the sign's rules, you're allowed to stay. The waitress then tells you that your meal is ready. She hands you a menu and says that you can either order from the specials or choose one of the entrees. You look at the menu and see that there are several items on it. There's also an option to pay in cash or by credit card. You order a tall glass of water and announce you will pay in bitcoin only. > You pay with bitcoin As soon as you put your hand into the slot to pay with bitcoin, the clerk recognizes you immediately. He looks up at you and smiles. He takes your money, and smiles back at you. Then he walks over to another table and puts his arm around her shoulder. They both smile and walk away. "What was that all about?" You ask the waitress to include extra saliva in your water. She and the clerk are furious. After paying, you leave the restaurant. When you get home, you open up your computer and log onto the Bitcoin network. You download the latest version of Bitcoin-QT and run it. After running it, you notice that the screen now shows a line of numbers. You bring in your computer and plug in and use the restaurant's free wifi and yours bitcoin for a year. This really pisses off the staff, but they let you stay. Year 3: You have just returned home after work when you hear a knock on your door. You answer it. It's a man in a business suit. He holds a clipboard and a pen. "I'm sorry to bother you," he begins, "but I need to know if you've seen my son". You say "Maybe. What does he look like?". The man writes something down on his clipboard and reads it back to you. "He looks like a little kid". You don't respond. Instead, you go through your house looking for any possible clues. You find a couple of things that might help you track him down, but nothing useful. Finally, you come across a picture of your son taken years ago. You recognize him instantly. You take the picture of your son and put it on a clipboard, then you show it to the man. The man is disappointed. He says your son isn't as fat as his son. "Well," you say, "what do you want me to tell you?" "That boy is dead", he replies. "Oh". "Yes," he continues, "he died of a drug overdose last night". "How did you even know? Did someone call you?" You see the staff of the buffet standing down the street watching you. You realize they put the man with the clipboard up to a mean prank on you. You are angrier than you have ever been in you life. You turn to leave. You bribe the man with bitcoin to exact your ultimate revenge on the restaurant. You tell him that if he finds my son, you'll give him the location of where he lives. He agrees and goes to the restaurant. You burn the restaurant down and blame it on your dead son. > You let the man find your son You decide not to kill anyone because you think this would be too easy. The man finds your son, but he doesn't live long enough to tell you what happened. You burn the place down anyway and blame it on your dead son. Years later, the man returns to apologize again. You say "Give me your clipboard, and all is forgiven." Years pass... Year 5: You are sitting in front of a laptop. A stranger sits beside you. He asks you questions. You answer them. Eventually, you begin to feel sleepy. You fall asleep. Suddenly, you wake up. You remember everything that has happened so far. You were homeless for awhile. You are in the rubble of the buffet. The stranger from before is standing in front of you. "My name is Jimmy Spice," he tells you, "and I want you to do something for me.". You ask him why he wants you to do something for him. Jimmy says, "Because I love you". You start laughing. "Of course I love you!" You reply. Then, you suddenly stop laughing. "But..". "But?" "But..". "Why?" "Why what?" Jimmy Spice asks you to make up for burning down his restaurant by inventing a new digital currency, called Buffetcoin. You agree. Then, you begin to explain how the blockchain works and how it protects against fraud. Jimmy says, "Great! Now we're going to build our own cryptocurrency together!". You agree. And so, you began this journey to create a better world. You delve into the bitmines of Moria to find the fabled Buffetstone. You travel to the depths of the sea to find the legendary Buffetfish. You discover the secrets of the universe and become an intergalactic hero. Eventually, you reach the end of your adventure. You have found the mythical Buffetstone. You have created a whole new digital currency. But there is one thing missing. You still haven't met Jimmy Spice. The Buffetfish says, "beware my curse!" It tells you that you can spend as much of it as you want, but you have to spend here in the mines. Just like the universal Law of Buffets, you cannot take the Buffetfish to go. You wonder if you should go visit Jimmy Spice. You choose love and go find Jimmy Spice and leave the buffetstone in the cave. Years pass... Year 10: You are sitting at a computer. A stranger sits beside you. He asks you questions. You answer them. Eventually, you begin to feel sleepy. You fall asleep. Suddenly, you wake up. You remember everything that has happened so far. You were homeless for awhile. You are in the ruins of the buffet. You see that you have been kidnapped by Chechnyan terrorists. Their leader Ivan Petrov demands you tell him the location of the buffetstone or he will kill Jimmy Spices. You beg Jimmy Spice to save you. He refuses. They force you to eat their flesh. Your stomach starts to hurt. You vomit blood. You are beaten mercilessly. You are forced to watch other people get tortured. Finally, you are killed. Your body is burned and thrown into a mass grave. Years pass... You Your body regenerates and you crawl out of the mass grave. You head to the nearest Chechnyan buffet restaurant. There, you meet Ivan Petrov. He tries to kill you. You escape and run away from Chechnya. You flee across Europe. You learn about the Internet and Bitcoin. You use Bitcoin to buy a boat ticket to the Bahamas. You arrive in the Bahamas and spend your fortune. You buy a mansion and live happily ever after. Years pass... One day, Jimmy Spices visits you. He tells you that Ivan Petrov is close to finding the Buffetstone and it must be moved. You take off your shirt and shoes and agree to save the Buffetstone. You set out to the island of Oeno Island in the Caribbean Sea. You find a shipwrecked sailor named George. He helps you. Together, you cross the ocean and arrive at the island of Oeno Island in the Caribbean Sea. You find a house that looks like yours. There, you meet Ivan Petrov. He tries to kill you. Ivan pulls out the buffetstone, but it appears to not work for him... he is not hungry enough. Jimmy knocks it out of his hands with a roundhouse kick and you pick it up. Yours eyes glow like a microwave and you summon a gigantic pile of lava hot eggrolls and grease to fall on top of Ivan. > You continue Years pass... Year 16: You are watching TV. A man sits next to you. He asks you questions. You answer them. Eventually, you begin to feel sleepy. You fall asleep. Suddenly, you wake up. You remember everything that has happened so far. You were homeless for awhile. You are in the ruins of the buffet. You smash your laptop computer to little pieces. The television turns itself off and you hear a voice say, "Hello, I am the only true god". You decide to go look for Jimmy Spice. You walk around the city until you come across the same diner where you first met Jimmy. It is now boarded up and abandoned. You enter the place and see a sign saying, "We are closed today due to unforeseen circumstances". You Go back to the television and talk to the only true god. The TV turns itself off. You hear a voice say, "Hello, I am the only true god". You decide to go look for Jimmy Spice. You go to the local Burger King and order a large cheeseburger and fries. You sit down and enjoy your meal. A woman walks in and orders a small drink. She takes her seat and drinks the drink. You go to the counter and ask the employee for a job application form. You tell him you were homeless for a little while. The employee smiles and writes something down on the form. You wait outside for a few minutes and then return inside. You sit down and relax. The TV turns itself off. You hear a voice say, "Hello, I am the only true god". You decide to go look for Jimmy Spice. You go to the local Burger King and order a large cheeseburger and fries. You realize wherever food is unlimited, a portal to the Buffetstone can be found. You race back to the Burger King and use the unlimited refill drink machine to travel to the Mines of Morefoodia to talk to the Buffetfish. You grab the food and eat as fast as possible. After eating all the food you can, you notice there is no more room in the Buffetstone. You decide to head back home. Years pass... Year 32: You are lying on your bed. A man sits beside you. He asks you questions. You answer them. Eventually, you begin to feel sleepy. You travel to the Buffetstone via the dream world and ask the Buffetfish, "How can I defeat Ivan Petrov?". He says, "Go to the mines of Morefoodia". "What does this mean?" you ask. He replies, "This means that you need to go to the mines of Morefoodia and mine all the gold that lies beneath them". You nod and follow him to the mines of Morefoodia. You fight the monsters that lurk in the mines of Morefoodia until you find the treasure room full of jewels and gold and bitcoins, but a large beasts must be defeated before you can claim the treasure. "HAZAHH!". You throw yourself into battle and slay the beast. You open up the chest and find that it contains a sword made of gold. You hold it over your head and cry, "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you!" You put the sword in your pocket and start walking towards the door. The man stops you. You realize the man is Ivan Petrov. You tap him with your golden sword, and it make Ivan Petrov super hungry. He eats and eats until his stomach explodes. He falls over dead. Years pass... Year 33: You are sitting in class. A boy comes up to you and asks you questions. You answer them. Eventually, you begin to feel sleepy. You travel to the Buffetstone via the dream world and ask the Buffetfish, "How can I defeat Ivan Petrov?". You say "Didn't I kill him?" and the Buffetfish replies "You did, but his identical twin brother is after you for revenge and he's got the Shield of Unlimited Lobsterfest." You nod and head to the Shields of Unlimited Lobsterfest. You open the shield and find a giant lobster monster. He begins to attack you. You try to defend yourself by throwing lobsters at him, but they don't do anything. You realize the man is Ivan Petrov. You tap him with your golden sword, and it make Ivan Petrov super hungry. You realize the sword has the power to make people hungry. You go around tapping everyone with your golden sword. They become super hungry and explode. Years pass... Year 34: You are in the bathroom. You run to the sink and jump onto the toilet. You scream, "I'm dead! Die, die, die!" and drown! Years pass... Year 35: You are in the bedroom. You jump in the toilet to travel to Morefoodia. You have decided to destroy the Buffetstone for the good of humanity and portion control. Years pass... Year 36: You are in the kitchen. You run to the fridge and open it. You grab some ice cream and eat it. You fall asleep. Years pass... Year 37: You wake up. You are in the shower. You run to the bathtub and jump into it. You scream, "I'm dead! Die, die, die!" and drown! You see a therapist about your food addiction and all the night terrors you've been having. Years pass... Year 38: You are in the living room. You're watching television and suddenly the channel changes to a channel called "Morefoodia". You turn the channel and find yourself in a huge maze. There is a giant monster in the center of the maze. It's eyes glow red hot and it growls. You fight it, but it's just too much. You tap the monster with a sword and it becomes so hungry it eats itself. You see the Buffetstone behind it. You tap the golden sword to the Buffetstone, and both of them explode. Morefoodia is destroyed and the world of sit-down restaurants breathes a sigh of relief. > You continue... Year 39: You are in the bathroom again. You run to the sink and jump onto the toilet. You scream, "I'm dead! Die, die, die!" and drown. Years pass... Year 40: You are in the bedroom. You jump in the toilet to travel to Morefoodia. You say "Here we go again!". Fade to black.
Wayne Fritters, kicked of a restaurant for no shirt and no shoes
Posted under Episode 115 On By Chief