EP374 #3

Posted under EP374 #3, Story On By Chief

Waking at sunrise
Full of possibilities
Time for McDonald's and KFC
And a couple of other things I can't remember right now.
You wake up, you sit there in the dark room staring at your phone.
You wait patiently until you finally get a text message: "Hey, it's me."
"What?" You reply.
"I'm sorry about earlier," He says.
> You say "You hurt my feelings."
"Just give me your number, I'll text you when I wake up."
He replies "Sure."
you reply "when you come by, you can have some of my breakfast nugs?"
He replies " Cool "
You spend a few minutes on the internet, trying to remember the names of cars from two decades ago. Finally, you give up and decide to go eat with your new friend.
You meet him at Baskin Robin's, in the parking lot, of course.
"So...." You say. "You like cars?"
"Yeah, I have an old Trans-Am I've been restoring." He replies.
> You ask "That's cool.  Does it have t-tops?"
"Yeah, but I don't have the keys."
"Oh...well I have some friends that might come over and play sometime. Wanna go driving?"
You get in the car and cruise around, but you suddenly realize this car is stolen.  The police pull you over.
"Just stay calm" You say to yourself.
The officer shines her flashlight at you. "You stole this car, didn't you?"
you say "just like you stole my heart"
The officer handcuffs you. "I'm putting you under arrest for car theft."
you reply "what a drag"
> You your greasy hands slip out of the cuffs and you escape.
You escape by pulling your arms through the handcuffs. You make a run for it, but the police are faster and shoot you full of Tazers before you can get far.
your fat insulates you against the electric shocks and you "sprint" away from the cops.
You feel the tingles first, as the police shoot your fat with their tasers. It turns up in tiny explosions of pain, as you ignore it and continue to run.
You run by a bucket of clothes belonging to AIPD's Cory and attempt to pull a move from the movie "Fugitive" and change your appearance. You grab a blonde wig and a pink dress and manage to put the dress on back wards.
Then go right and turn...um, left
Then you get lost... and give up running.
> You hide out in a health food store, knowing the police will never look for you there.
You walk in the store and find yourself hiding in the corner of the pharmaceutical isle.
"That's a strange place to hide out" You think to yourself.
your stomach rumbles and you look around for something to eat. You find some flintstones gummy vitamins and a giant protein bar. you sprinkle the gummies on the bar and chow down.
You get in the food isle wait for the coast to be clear. Then you take off the handcuffs and eat a handful of the gummy bears, popping all 8 of them in your mouth.
An employee walks over to you and warns you, "Sir, these are laxatives."
"I think I'll be alright. I've taken these before." That was the greatest understatement of all time.
> You have many accident in your pants.
You begin dozing off in the corner of the store, fall into a deep sleep and miss your chance at escape.
You wake up, still with a boner.
"I can't stay here!"
> You escape out of the back and run into the back alley, still with a boner.
You run out the back door, but you don't get far. The police have surrounded the store and a helicopter shines a spotlight on your location.
you dig your hands into your pants and fling an enormous wad of shit at the helicopter. It misses and instead lands on the police below, who are not amused.
The helicopter swoops in and the officers below attempt to take cover. Unfortunately, they still fire at you.
You see a time portal suddenly open up, and you decide to use it for your escape.  You hear someone say something about a Ferris wheel and you travel through time and space.
Unfortunately, you arrive so quickly you are still wearing your pants.
You shout, "Sharon!" and step out in front of your wife. You quickly explain, "Its an emergency, I've just come from the future and..."
She looks in disgust at your shitty clothes, shitty attitude and shitty breath, and says "You need to fucking shower. NOW."
you embrace her and yell "There's no time"
She replies, "I've heard that one before. In fact have you even brushed your teeth?"
The moral of the story: There are no moral in the story.