EP368 #3

Posted under EP368 #3, Story On By Chief

You are CJ, a shirtless guy who means well but keeps getting into trouble. While driving, you accidentally run over a lot of people and cause tons of property damage. The police want you to pay for your mistakes, but you just want to eat and get fat. You decide that if the cops come knocking on your door, you will not only tell them what they want to hear, but also show them how to make a better hamburger.
The police take your advice and cook a hamburger for you.  You eat it and are overcome with emotion because the burger is so good! You have never tasted anything like it before in your life. It tastes like heaven... or something.
Then you start thinking about all the things you could do with more money.
> You are overcome with emotion and tell the cops your deepest secret.
Thinking about the money you earn, and how it can solve all your problems, you decide to sell out your family.
You arrive at the police station with your brothers and your mother.
you ask officer Brobocop, a cybernetically enhanced Brofficer at the desk "how much for these two?" He looks up from his computer and replies "what?"
"you know, the bounty hunter show down the street has kielbasa and saurkraut in theirs, but only if you ask for it."
"We have donuts."
You eat a big bowl of mixed kielbasa, sauerkraut, and donuts.  You feel a rumble in your stomach and say, "Wow, I have a lot of turds in my pants. Maybe I should sell them."
"We are the police. We are here to take you in."
"Do you think I could get a discount on a diving board at the pool because I am part of law enforcement?"
The police tell you to put on a shirt. You refuse.  They then tell you to put on a pair of shorts. You refuse again. They tell you to get in the police car and you shrug as you walk to the car.
You get inside and slam the door.
Your nuts stick to the hot vinyl seat as you turn on the car. The engine sputters to life and you pull out of the parking lot.
You head down the road when you see a sign for an animal rescue shelter.
You really have to go to the bathroom, so you park and run inside straight to the bathroom.  A vet comes to see if you are alright because you are making terrifying sounds while you poop.
"Bravo Police department, you've done a hell of a job with this one," says the vet.
You want to brag, but you are too busy cleaning out your underwear.
While at the shelter you adopt a dog for the police department. He is a Belgian Shepherd named Tych. The dog is one of the best in his breed, having won many competitions and such.
You are happy, but you realize you need to eat more.
you wrap Tych up in Cory's sweatshirt which Cory removed because of the hot weather. you run off with the dog to the local Freckle Bitch's and order a large hot dog bun. You take a large bite out of the hot dog and hold the rest in your hand. You get an evil glint in your eye as you realize what you are planning to do.
Your hunger gets the best of you and you put Tych in the comically large hot dog bun and eat it. He tastes just like chicken, but as you get towards the feet, it tastes more like sushi.
You go home and watch more Lethal Weapon movies before falling asleep waiting for the food coma to kick in.
The food coma begins in the middle of your watch through of Lethal Weapon 3. Your thoughts begin to drift as the jokes and action on the TV screen hypnotize you.
You begin to think about the times you got arrested while eating at McDonalds.
you dream of McNuggets and wake yourself up with the rumble of your stomach.
You are hungry again.
You plan to eat the dog food that is in your fridge, but it seems stale. Instead you decide to go to the local 7/11 and buy more food.
At the 7/11, you see your all time favorite food: Hot dogs! You buy them and eagerly get back to the police station.
Once at the station, you start salivating as Tych lies there helpless in the van.
The police chief calls you into his office. In walks a large man in a good suit who looks like he could be your boss. In his hand is a large knife.
"I'm Chief Karstark, and I have heard about your actions."
Chief Karstark shuts the door and delivers justice unto you.
"Tych, attack!" he commands.
You try to get away but you are far too slow. Multiple puncture wounds happen as you feel the cold steel on your stomach. Hot dogs go flying everywhere.
You reveal to the Chief that you killed and ate Tych.  You say, "Could've used some more salt." and then you pass out.
You awakened in a vast room with tons of buffet tables. You go up to one and begin eating everything you can get your hands on.
You have died and gone to heaven.
You unlocked the secret ending!
The moral of the story: Shut the fuck up and eat everything in site, because you might not get another chance.