EP368 #2

Posted under EP368 #2, Story On By Chief

You are KyrilGrey standing on a stage. You are holding a microphone in preparation of your first joke. You begin speaking, "How big is a rabbit?" You pause for extra impact, your masterful wit and social expertise making the joke more effective than usual, "The width of a hare."

"What's the difference between a bunny and a hare?" you ask again. The audience laughs, but this time with genuine surprise. They seem to be expecting something else entirely.
An old woman heckles you from the back row, "I don't think I've ever heard you speak before!" She says.
You fire back at the old heckler by insulting her appearance, "The difference, my dear elderly obese lady, is that one of them is cuter than the other!
The audience laughs and claps, but an old man stands up and objects to your choice of words, "Obese?" He says, "You must think you're really funny calling her obese!"
You insult the old man, "You must be no fun at all then, old man."
Several other people object to your words, and soon the whole crowd is divided into two opposing sides, you and the other old man.
You see a pile of Cory's clothes that are on stage and throw them at the crowd.  Margaret, the obsessive heckler.  pounces on them, and in the chaos you escape through a conveniently placed door in the back of the stage.
You enter a long hallway with dim lighting that will take you backstage.
Margaret meets you in the green room and chews you out. "You shouldn't have insulted me," you tell her, "I was insulting the old man and you jumped on it like a rabbit." Margaret flicks your ear, but not very hard seeing as she has tiny arms.
you say to Margaret "what the fuck is with those tiny arms?"
"I've had my share of hardship, that's what." Margaret says, "and I'll have you know, I am no weakling!" This causes you to laugh.
"You're an old lady."
> You insult her with the following insults:.
"You're a horrible person." You say, "and now everyone hates me and I have to go apologize."
"Oh, please. Everyone hated you anyway."
> You say "You're so big, they should call you grand piano-ma"
This insult causes Margaret to laugh her head off in your face. "I like that one!" She says. You rub your hands together as you ready your next joke, "I have another horrible person to insult." You say.
"His terrible-ness, Baron David Pachell."
You say, "You need to learn what comedy is. I learned about comedy from AIPD. Jason, Tony, Jim and Cory taught me everything I know."
The old lady ignores you as she walks off to eat her dinner of outrage and lies.
You see an ad on TV for the new theme park 'kAPpELZworld!
you call kAPpELZworld and say "Have I got a show for you. I've got a terrific act."
"What is it?" A voice on the phone asks.
"I'm a depressed man who has to go see a lot of doctors because of my height. That's why I'm always laughing."
The man books you to headline the comedy show at the theme park on Saturday night.
You finally get to use your joke. The crowd goes wild for it, and you're now famous. You tell the other comedians to stop using their material, as they are no good compared to your own.
You are roasted by all the other comedians: an armless juggler, a blind spooner, a morbidly obese contortionist, and Margaret 'the heckler' Miller.
At the end of the night the owner gives you a commemorative plaque.
the plaque reads "David Hasselhoff won his first talent show!"
You place the plaque on the wall. "They'll never take this away from me," You think, "Not in a million years.
as you soundly sleep that night, you hear a crash that awakes you. You go to investigate and see Margaret taking your plaque. In her mouth is the commemorative plaque, and she's tossed a feather duster in her hand over her shoulder.
The moral of the story: you're a assholes for writing a story where you date yourself, abuse yourself and break into your home.