EP367 #3

Posted under EP367 #3, Story On By Chief

The year is 2099, the world has been taken over by the "Birthday Party Destroyer Council". The Council is run by Supreme Lord Jason, a former hero and Chief of the AIPD.  Due to his hatred of birthdays, Jason became enraged with power. You are Lewis Candles, you come from a long line of candlemakers.  You hate the "Birthday Party Destroyer Council" for ruining of your families business.

You have been hired by the "Birthday Party Destroyer Council" to destroy their rivals in the city of New London. Your first target will be the local diner called "The Happy Cone."
> You sneak into the diner and plant the bomb.
You walk into the diner and see that it looks like any other one. There's even a sign on the door saying "Happy Cone." You head inside and find a table near the back.
You meet your contact Ess Ah Ee, a black market birthday planner. Ess gets quickly to business, telling you that the diner has a secret underground base that houses a huge shipment of explosives.
you ask "where is the entrance to the underground base" and Ess says 
"its under a pile of Cory's clothes that are covered in butter, Jason's favorite food"
"I'm not afraid of bombs" you say, "Nevertheless I should kill him before he kills the world"
Ess says "Great, I will continue to buy explosives from you if you succeed"
You order a coffee and toast while Ess goes over the plan again.
Ess tells you the plan has 3 major components: 1. you plant a bomb in the underground base, after setting the timer you must exit the base as quickly as possible, failure to do so will result in death. 2. you take out the Happy Cone manager, Cory. he is donning a tuxedo and has blond hair. 3. you meet the Ess at the yellow taxi across from the diner at 3pm.
If you see any police officers, you must warn Ess by sending a text saying "Raid".
> You just then you see Jason walk into the diner and order a scone.
You panic and immediately send a text to Ess saying "Security breach!"
Ess panics and says "We need to get out now!"
You say, "Jason's adopted son, Tony, was spotted at the barber. He got a great looking haircut. I'm currently holding him for ransom." You send a picture of a nervous looking boy to prove your point.
You read Ess's text "Ok, let's go." Then the two of you leave, and meet up beside a yellow taxi.
> You and Jason get in the yellow taxi.  You take him to Tony, his nervous hostage son.
You and Ess get in the yellow taxi, and tell the driver to take you to your safehouse. On the way, you tell the driver to pull over so you can release your hostage.
You say to Tony, "Tuck and roll, son!" as you push him out of the moving car. He gets up, and you see him look at the pavement zooming towards him. Luckily for him, he lands in a bush beside the road.
> You hold a gun to Jason's head and say "Get ready to blow out the candles" and unzip your pants.
You get out of the car, and hold a gun to Jason's head.
"Get ready to blow out the candles", you say.
"I'm not your type!" he says.
You scream, "I don't give a fuck!  And while your down there, you better be singing the birthday song!"
You unzip your pants, and he continues to protest: "I'm a straight motherfucker. You can't make me do that!"
you make him do that.
"You sure you want to blow all of them out?" you ask.
"Yeah!" he exclaims.
you say "I'm 30 years old so that's a lot of blowing."
You shoot the candles, and then the two of you get into the taxi.
The three of you make small talk as you drive to the safe house. Eventually, you arrive at your safehouse.
Tony asks you if this is how loves works.  You tell him that it is. He seems relieved.
You say to everyone "This is a very delicate situation. We got a lot of work to do."
The safehouse is equipped with many surveillance devices.
> You get a text that says "raid"
You look out the window and see a police car following you.
"Raided!" you text Ess. soon another comes back saying "Oh shit! I did it, we need to leave now!!" you reply
The police storm the safehouse and you pick your nose.  All of the police officers run by you. They don't notice you at all. Soon they run back out, putting their weapons on the ground and going in the house across the street, beating their fellow officers with nightsticks.
You realize that this is a police run fight club and you join in.
After much chaos the fight ends and you receive a text saying "WAIT". You sit and wait as police from all over the city begin to enter the building.
You sneak past them into the parking garage.
You  enter the parking garage and are shocked to see all you friends and family pop out and say, "Happy birthday!"
You thank them all for coming. Unfortunately, you were the only one who got captured, so it was pretty easy to pick out your kidnapper in a lineup.
You finally text Ess, "RAID" and then a dick pic, and fall alseep. You dream of gigantic cakes and celebrate your bday every month.
The moral of the story: sometimes, treating people the way you'd like to be treated works.