EP364 #1

Posted under EP364 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Teddy, a salesman of Car Cheese Merchants on their way to the next town. As you pull up to your destination, you see a couple of large wagons there, one that looks like a traveling temple to Oola, and another that looks like a traveling tavern, complete with a small garden. There are a few men standing outside the tavern, and some people milling about the temple. "This must be the place," you think to yourself as you drive your wagon up to the others.

The temple is fairly empty, save for a few priests and monks in robes doing chanting. You get out of your wagon and walk over to them.
> You say "Cheesed to meet you."
"Cheesed to meet you!"

They all turn around and look at you. The priests and monks all nod their heads in greeting.
you say "What a fine day my finely robed friends. Might I offer you some bleu cheese I've been growing Fromundah. An aged, yet exquisite blue cheese that's almost like a fine wine."
One of the monks looks at you and smiles. "Truly? Bleu Fromunda, an aged cheddar?
> You offer the monk a free sample.
The monk takes the slab of cheese, and bites into it. His eyes roll back into his head, and he seems to be in pure ecstasy, as his mouth is filled with the delicious taste of cheddar.
The monk offers to buy your entire supply of this exquisite cheese.  He tells you, "Name your price!"  You say, "Denounce your God and pray to me, the Cheddar Lord."
The man stares at you, and starts to laugh. "Ha ha ha ha! No mere cheese is worth that!" He continues to laugh, until he drops the piece of cheddar he was eating.
> You the monk grabs his throat and his eyes widen. You smile at him.
The monks grabs his throat, and looks at you with widening eyes. He then slumps to the floor.
You put on your Cheddar Sweater and start to walk away, but the monk cries out, "Anything my lord of cheddar, please spare my life!"
You look at him, and nod. "Very well", You think, "It is only fair, after all, that I raise my minions from people who freely offer themselves to me."
you touch the monk's forehead and say "rise, my mashall of Mozzarella." The monk rises, and you raise him as your thrall. He immediately drops to his knees in front of you and worships you as his only god.
You enter the monastery and attempt to recruit more monks with your nacho cheese fountain. Sadly, None of the monks agree to join you. Desperate for minions, you command your two acolytes to go outside and collect striplings.
soon you return to the monastery with a throng of striplings who you name your Curds. You set the Curds upon the monks. The curds chase the monks on to the rusty blades, through the pond of urine, and over the tiles covered in rat faeces. The monks are in heaven.
The monks notice a warehouse filled with Monkster Cheese, and they don't ask where you got it.  All of the monks convert and worship your for a taste of the good good Monkster cheese. Soon, you have enough minions to take over the world.
> You declare yourself to be Cheezus Christ, the son of Gouda.
The fact that you have several hundred minions and a hold of an entire monastery doesn't stop peasants from blaming the crop failures on you. One day, a mob comes to your door and demands that you leave.
you tell the crowd "through me all cheese is possible" and you gesture to the dead field behind them as it transforms. A five leaf clover pierces the earth, and a pint of Guinness beer sits on a stump.
The peasants cheer, and get drunk on the magically appearing alcohol.
You say, "I heard that Tony is getting a haircut on Tuesday." which is the secret phrase for all the monks to pull out their cheese knives and kill the mob that is drunk on magical booze.
With the villagers dead, you horde the valuables and take as much food as your minions can carry.
> You build a palace made of cheese.
You order your monks to build you a palace. The monks oblige, and work hard. The palace is magnificent, fit for a king.
It is made from your favorite cheese: Cheddar. It stretches fifty feet high, made from the best blocks of cheddar you had shipped in from the moon.
The moral of the story: Mozzarella is for pizzas, Cheddar is for rulers.
At the end of the day, you lie in your bed. thinking back to the day's events. You must have more monks.