EP362 #3

Posted under EP362 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Karl Fuckstein. You work in a flower shop and mine cryptocurrency.

I have been looking for you all day, so I can kill you and take your money. This is the only way to get it back.

"Okay, okay! Stop bothering me!"
you give the old man his usual order of the week-old half-dead flowers which he happily begins to devour.

He then turns towards you with an evil grin on his face. "So what's your name?" he asks as if this was the first time you had ever met him.
You say, "Karl Fuckstein" and point to your nametag.
"Yes, yes. That's what it says. But what do they call you?"
> You tell him what your mother calls you.
"Dung-head," you say and begin to wipe down a nearby table.
The old man goes silent. A moment passes before he starts laughing and drinking another of your beers.
You list the Top 10 NFTs minted by yourself:
1. The FuckYouCoin- You receive 1,000 coins for free.1,000 more coins if you tweet about how much you love it.
2. The Vageen- There are only 25,000. 1 coin returns 10x if used on a saturday night.
3. The Semme- Holds 1,000,000 coins. Used on a rollar-coaster 2x.
4. FuckThat- Does not work.
5. The Sarge- Used to be a soldier.
6. The Keyens- If held, decreases depression by holding.
7. The Quix- roasts coffee with its' owner.
8. The Russel2000- The only NFT in the Russel 2000.
9. The Van-FLIPrates real estate markets with you when carried.
10. "Bob" The Lite-A coin containing Bob Marley's face that smiles at you.
you ask the old man "which NFT would you like to buy" I'll throw in a free  Cory's clothes which are covered in dead flowers.
His eyes narrow and he says "ah, that sounds good. What about the Semme?"
"The Semme?" you ask.
"Yes," he says. "It's the best."
You see the man purchase the Semme NFT and immediately runs to the carnival to get on a rollercoaster.
"Well, I found out where the Semme is. Apparently it's important."
(A sense of danger fills you.) "Tell me what the Semme does!"
You try for hours and hours to explain to the old man what an NFT is. The man seems confused and a bit angry. He pays for another useless photo of a grinning family of flowers he will nearly certainly die without water next week.
you offer to sell the old man a water coupon for the low price of the Semme NFT. "Not necessary." He replies.
Eventually he finds the correct coaster, oblivious to what NFTs are or what they do.You watch as he boards the ride and dies on the first curve.
The roller coaster operator doesn't seem to notice and the old man's corpse rides the roller coaster all day long, making the Semme NFT worth about $100 million.
In a twist of irony you remember the joke about "what's the worst thing about riding a roller coaster with a corpse" and chuckle to yourself in the fading sunlight.
You sell your NFTs to a local fence who gives you proper payment. It's not much, but it's enough for a cheap meal and a roof over your head. Not bad for one day of work.
Down on your luck, you decide the only way to get back on your feet is to steal the Semme NFT from the old man's grieving widow.
You break into her house and pilfer the Semme NFT and 7 more NFTs (a total of 8) from her collection.
> You turn around and see her holding a shotgun.
Shit! You rack your brain for what you can do in this situation.
you offer the old woman some tea. She politely accepts.
You fumble through your pack and pull out a large leafy bud. "Phat Granny" as it's called in the marketplace apparently has calming effects when ingested, although it tastes absolutely horrible.
You and the old woman get high off your own supply and you have an honest heart to heart with her about your situation. The next day you wake up gagged, handcuffed to a chair and the Semme NFT is gone.
"How could you!" you scream at the old woman who calls the police and turns you in immediately.
the old woman shows up at trial to testify against you, and during her testimony you leap over the table at her.
while in the judge's chambers, he notices a few glistening tears running down your face as she testifies you threaten to kill her and her entire family.
You stand up and tell the truth. That you stole the Semme NFT as well as 7 other NFTs and sold them. Your lawyer tells you to keep quiet, but you can't contain yourself.
You are on a roll and so you tell the court about other illegal stuff you've done in your life: stealing rolls of lifesavers from the grocery store, selling when you should have been buying more, not shutting off your computer when you used MonkeyPirate's account to buy illegal stuff online, downloading movies.
The judge bangs his gavel and reads your sentence: death by hanging.
"Too bad for you." One of the cops says as they haul you to your cell.
as you wait to be hanged, you devise a device that will keep your neck from snapping when they hang you. "It'll buy me some time," you think.
After eight months of trial they take you to the gallows in the middle of town and hood you before leading you onto a scaffolding.
Your invention works and you hang by your neck for 3 days until  a group of kids climb up and cut you down.
They put you in a dumpster and steal your car which they use to go on a drunken joyride.
The moral of the story: don't create anything that can kill you unless you have the intent to use it as such.