White walls surround you,
Vent in the ceiling can help.
You make your escape.
The next day, you find yourself in a room with several other people who look like they were transported from another world. You see that they are all naked and covered in wounds.
you ask the people "Where have you come from?" They tell you that they came from another dimension where there is a war going on between two factions called the Order of Death and Destruction and the Order of Life and Light.
You may ask yourself, "How did I get here?" Well you are here to bring peace between the two factions because they worship you as a god of neutrality.
You say, "Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing Tired of living like a blind man I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say "Sorry" I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you a heart worth breaking And I've been wrong, I've been down Been to the bottom of every bottle" You remember all your past lives and say, "Yes I think I'm supposed to help them." They both say that together "Finally"
Your journey has just begun.
You meet with your number 2 in command: ODB, Old Dirty Bastard, resurrected to tackle ODD and OLL. It seems like a plan.
Please enjoy your stay in the Fort Bragg cabin; eat, drink, and get your mind read by Tom. Meet the rest of the cast, every one of them is absolutely crazy in their own special way.
You look around the room as the crazy cast introduces themselves one by one: there's Yoko, the self-obsessed suicidal Goth chick; Micky, the dumb ass who doesn't realize that he's stuck in a cabin with a chimp, a dog and a shit load of pyrotechnics; Mark, the emo bitch who just wants to go out and kill himself; Paris, the stupid bitch who brought a fucking monkey on a plane and now can't get rid of it; Lynard, the wrathful pedophile who can't get any gay ass, let alone a job; Mel, the badass, who loves exploding things and blowing people's heads off; and Graham, the wise monk of sensible thinking and a good lawyer. So far you can tell this is going to be a fun ride. "It's time to party!"
Tom hands you a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and says, "This should numb the pain."
you ask the group "So what are we some kind of Suicide Squad?"
"We're better than the fucking Suicide Squad." Mel says, as they all nod in agreement. "Those guys are killers for the government. We're freedom fighters."
"What about John?"
You see John is sniffing a pile of clothes that Cory from AIPD accidentally left in the trash can. You say, "Guys, Lynard is kinda sus"
"What you think I don't know that!? The guy is a fucking idiot."
Micky asks you "What about us in this picture?"
You look at the photograph and say, "What the the hell is on Jimmy's head?"
They all start laughing at you for not knowing that the large white thing on top of John's head is an albino African penguin named Owen, also known as ODB.
You break your superhuman neutrality and finally take a side in the war against good and evil, you choose: evil.
Get the fuck out of my cabin!
"But I need to find me a new place to stay because the Fort Bragg cabin burned down."
The moral of the story: don't bring an albino African Penguin to a pyromaniacal retreat for sociopaths, pyromaniacs, psychopaths, and other nasty people or it will get burned down, along with all of your belongings.
It seems the only person who will take me in is John Salter, the founder of The Crazy Partiers.
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