You are Mr. Cool, a self-proclaimed cool guy. You often go around bragging to your friends about how cool you are. Your friends are sick of you boasting about yourself, so they grab you, stuff you into a freezer and lock the door.
"Hey wait!" you cry out. "I'm not Mr. Cool! I don't know any other cool guys like me."
Someone opens the freezer door and tosses you A gold necklace with the letters C-O-O-L.
The coldness in your heart is replaced by an immense warmth as you feel like a new person. You laugh, happy that this was all for nothing.
> You level up and gain the new cool powers.
After what feels like an hour of basking under the sun, you check your cell phone. You have a new message from the girl you met at the coffee shop.
Just as I thought. You were weirdo.
You level up and gain the following weirdo powers:
Charming Smell: You leave a trail of attractiveness wherever you go. Every living creature you meet is instantly charmed by your presence, for good or ill.
You get a tap on your shoulder and turn around to see Smokey The Bear. You're about to thank him for coming when you realize he's dead and his head has been crudely fastened onto a possum body sewn together with thick thread.
Ouch. That can't be comfortable.
> You give Smokey The Bear a proper burial.
You sign a note saying "I'm sorry" and hand him over to the police.
You demand the possum be arrested for bear slaughter, but the police tell you it's hunting season and no crime was committed. The possum walk and sneers at you.
You've had enough of this place and it's kooky inhabitants, so you pick up you bags and make your way to the bus stop.
The bus takes for ever to come.
A strange man sits next to you at the bus stop and begins to smell you. Angrily you ask "Why are you smelling me?!"
This gets a big laugh out of the man, who then goes on to say "You smell good".
Flattered by the man's comment, you sit down next to him and ask if he could be your boyfriend.
In retrospect, this was a bad idea.
You pick up A bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo, which detonates upon being opened, and lean in for a kiss. The man, scared for his life, runs away.
You get a cab and head home.
When you arrive home, you see the possum that killed Smokey sitting on you kitchen floor eating ALL of your garbage.
...You decide to share your pain with the world and write a long forum post about it.
To be honest Gaf, my heart is broken.
you get the following comments:1. don't take it seriously2. life sucks and then you die3. shut up or I'll kill you
You begin a discussion about whether white weddings are overrated or not on facebook. "Not all possums are bad."2. "Not all possums are bad."3. "Not all possums are bad."4. "Not all possums are bad."
You delete your Facebook and cancel your Internet service.
But the hassle of moving and switching everything over isn't worth it, so you end up giving in.
You buy your internet back and go to the forum to share your pain and write about life sucking.
> You begin to see possums everywhere.
The forum has not been the same since the day of The Possum Incident Of 2015. You have become so obsessed with them that you start to see them everywhere.
"Mommy, what's that?"
You interrupt and yell, "A POSSUM!?"
If only someone had been there to share the incident with you as they had post-Smokey The Bear. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't have grown into an obsession if you could talk to someone about it.
You look in your driveway to see a giant wooden possum from Troy. You bring it into your garage. You bring it inside. You tuck the towel in tighter. You towel that magnificent creature's long pinkish body with a fresh smelling, clean towel.
> You are about the same species.
You find yourself on the History Channel's infamous show Monster Quest.
"We've been seeing things in the Tennessee woods for years now." A sheriff is saying, "We thought it was UFOs at first."
The TV cuts to a clip of cops in the woods at night, shining their flashlights in the woods as they yell, "Hey! Stop buggin'! You push my patience!" You recognize it instantly as the night you PUSHED Smokey The Bear.
The sheriff continues, "But they were just these little guys."
"What happened then?" The host asks.
"Killed 'em all." The sheriff says grimly without missing a beat.
You reveal why you did it: To free them from humanity.
You ask, "More Head and Shoulders?"
You nod. You say, "Yes. Please."
The Sheriff gives you the Head and Shoulders and your head explodes. They've killed you. They kept their promise. Only they did it slower than expected so you forgot about the strange menace.
The moral of the story: You do not mess with the possums of Tennessee.
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