EP356 #3

Posted under EP356 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Malinda Fessbender, a writer for the hit TV sitcom Judge Trouts. One day, Amanda Carthage, the leading actress of the series marched into your trailer and asks why her character gets an embarrassing job in the upcoming episode. You explain that you write it because it's part of the show's plot. She looks at you with disgust and says "Well, I don't want to be on the show! It makes me look like a whore!"
you convince Amanda to play the part by telling her "you get a big redemption arc on the next episode." Amanda is shocked by this revelation. You then tell her she can go home now as you're not going to make any more appearances on the show until the end of its run.
Just as Amanda leaves, she sees Laaruga Mars, who is getting a better part, enter your trailer. Amanda is furious and complains that Laaruga has been sleeping with the writer. After starring at her for a bit, you snap and attack Amanda, choking the life out of her in front of horrified bystanders.
you look over to see the entire cast and crew recording you on their cell phones. You weakly attempt to justify your actions before you faint, only to be awakened by the Sheriff's deputy and his partner as you're being taken to the Blossum Valley Jail.
You pitch a new sitcom based on your current predicament called "Blossum Valley Jail is the New Black".  It is greenlit and becomes a huge success. You are executed in the next town you're transferred to and the Los Angeles Times names it #3 on their list of "Top 10 American Criminal Masterminds".
> You fake your own execution.
The casting directors from the new "Castle Vania" movie need to hire a stunt double for the main role.
You put on Cory's clothes and live a secret life as a stunt double.
This all goes well until you have a fiery explosion scene. A combination of things, including an overload director and flammable gases create a massive fire that burns your entire body.
you emerge from the fireball flailing helplessly as you tumble into the craft service table. Helpless donuts needlessly burn. You smash helplessly into the table, knocking rows of helpless juice boxes onto the ground. As you lay there dying, sizzling like a steak on the kitchen stove, you realize this is the end.
you reach for the tablecloth to try and pat yourself out but pull a large bowl of cherries jubilee onto you. You scream as your burning body melts the bowl and it's contents flowing freely over your body like a lava lamp. --
You have died.
You reveal your troubled past to St Peter. St. Peter is moved by your confession and allows you to enter the gates of heaven. You see a vision of you and your partner enjoying a picnic in the clouds.
Your partner turns around and you realize she is surprise twist ending Malinda Fessbender, and that this has all been another version of a surprise twist ending.
You see it is yourself holding A squishy jelly Dildo that shoots angel delight and realize that this whole story has been an analogy for learning to love yourself. You wonder what an Analogy is and ask St. Peter who explains it is simply a figure of speech that means something different from what it seems to mean, like Chinese Whispers or a good Nick Cage Film.
The moral of the story: Just because you don't fit in, doesn't mean you're weird: everyone's weird so get over yourself and start accepting yourself and everyone else.
You redeem yourself by writing an actually good film for Nick Cage to star in, it is titled:
The hurt locker: an actual good film for Nick cage to star in