EP356 #1

Posted under EP356 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Pepperoni Pete, a pizza knight who serves under King Crustworth VII, king of great pizza empire. One day a letter arrives from the nearby mozzarella kingdom, it claims that a horrific plague of anchovies is on the horizon. Fearing for the safety of his kingdom the king sends you on a quest to travel to the ancestral home of the anchovies, the seafood marsh, a deadly bog that lies beyond the eastern crust crags. After gearing up and saying your goodbyes, you head for the gate.

The road ahead is bumpy, but not as bad as the one you just came down. You pass by fields of corn and soybeans until you reach an old wooden bridge over a small stream.
A little troll appears from under the bridge and tells you a riddle:

"What do you see?" he asks. "An anchor."

He says this in a singsong voice, like a child's.
You ask the troll for permission to cross the bridge. When he says no, you beat him with a bag of turds. He allows you to pass.
The bridge is a bit wobbly but it'll hold your weight. After reaching the other side, you come to an abandoned gas station, its windows boarded up.
You know this is a dangerous place of the Uneaten Heat Lamp Foodies and you are startled when you hear the rustle of cans outside. Luckily it's just two men, Crazy Greg and Old Vincent.
A random event An encounter with Crazy Greg and Old Vincent.
Crazy Gregg and Old Vincent warn you about how dangerous it is to travel at night, especially around the adult foster home.
Crazy Gregg asks you "Settle a bet between old Vincent and me. I'll give you a mithril pizza wheel for your help. Which is the better pizza topping, Banana peppers or Pineapple?"
The correct answer is pineapples. Pizza with fruit on it is ridiculous no matter what you add, but pizza is a manly food and must be answer C).
Crazy gregg says "Pineapple is correct" and Gregg presents you with a mithril pizza cutter with the following properties:
Cutter Levels + 1
You are now armed with a magical blade that could cut through bone. Crazy old man declares you "pretty Spiffy"
> You continue your journey to Anchovia.
Several hours later you are ambushed by humanoid flies the size of children. The first one's head explodes when it lets out a battle cry, and the others hop around in circles before throwing pinecones at you.
you begin easily kicking the flies and they apologize. You tell them that they will have to grovel a lot to atone for what they did and ask them about the road ahead.
You are now in front of a split in the road.
The first option is the road to the Primus Bunker.
Your Second option is the Meat Grinder.
You choose to go to the Primus bunker.
Instead of the bunker being empty as it was last time you visited it, a large group of people has taken residence and the bunker now also doubles as a homeless shelter.
> You interrogate the people about the anchovie plague.
Everyone you ask is very hostile, and won't tell you much about the plague at all. The people of the bunker claim they will never give up their home to the plague.
Suddenly a school of anchovy soldiers knock at the bunker door and demand to be let in.
The bunker people look Angrier than a Hells Angel who just got asked if he "takes it up the ass" even though he obviously does.
> You unleash the bunker people on the anchovy soldier.
The bunker people are eager to leave the confines of the bunker and begin killing the anchovies. The anchovies wanted easy prey, they didn't count on an angry homeless mob fighting back.
You watch as the hungry hungry homeless march towards the anchovy kingdom and decimate the anchovy kingdom. Soon the anchovies realize they are up against more than meet the eye and fuck off in a huff.
The people return to the bunker and are proud of what they've accomplished.
The moral of the story: Don't fuck with angry homeless people.