EP355 #1

Posted under EP355 #1, Story On By Chief

It's Saint Patrick's Day!
You think you're slightly Irish.
Bet 10 grand on black.
You've never heard of this holiday, but you bet that if you can name 5 things about the Irish people that aren't true then you win a free trip to Ireland for life!
1) The Irish love Guinness. You have no idea what they drink it made from, but you know it tastes bad and is only good in the summer months when there isn't too much snow or rain.
2) The Irish are very religious. They don't believe in God, but they do pray to St. Patrick every day and go to mass at least once a week.
3) The Irish used to be very passionate people. Before the British came around, they were known to kill one another if they disagreed about anything.
4) The Irish think that they have great green eyes because the rainbows in the sky are always passing by their small small country.
5) The Irish people are descended from leprechauns and have magical powers! If they stare into your eyes you will turn into a toad.
You win the trip and arrive in Ireland.  You are surprised that everyone seems to hate you. This is a bit discouraging at first, but then, on the return trip to your hotel room, you remember that you bet every last dollar you had. You now have no more money and nowhere to stay.
> You beg for money on the streets of Dublin.
The Irish are so generous they feed you for free for two weeks! Many of them also remind you that gambling is a sin, and give you bible verses to read every morning.
you make a shrine to St Patrick out of  Cory's clothes which Cory discarded because they weren't green, and some chicken bones.
Then you win the lottery, buy some land in Kilkenny, sleep with a farmer's daughter, get imprisoned for killing a sheep with your bare hands and ultimately reunited with all the gold you tried to steal in an armored truck heist that went wrong!
lucky you!
You are living in Ranelagh rd and have your own garage. You are not a famous writer but fortune smiles upon you.
You head to the local pub and see Jason, a guy drinking Guinness with a stick of butter in the Pint Glass, and you reveal your troubled past to him.
You had a boyfriend who worked on a tree topping team.
you reveal the terrible thing that happened to your boyfriend atop a tree one day:
Mate, I was working up in Maine for most of the summer when my boyfriend called and told me he had to work a shitty job to pay bills.
He was trimming trees in some really rich neighborhood while obviously trying to get out of the tree-trimming business with his writing career.
When I asked my boyfriend "Oh you're still doing that?" I knew there was going to be issues.
His response over the phone was devastating. "Yeah it pays great and I can sit up in a tree and just write for hours."
You say, "I can see why your writing career never took off."
I know I should have kept my mouth shut, but the frustrated artist in me just blurted out, "Well at least you're not like Ernest Hemingway or you'd be starving."
> You jason buys you another drink and a cold stick of butter.
You were once part of a drug ring and loved every minute of it.
you really make some profit off selling speed to high school kids.
You go to the bathroom and when you return Monty Python's Black Knight, A knight that lost all his limbs, has taken your seat.
"None shall pass." The Black Knight said seriously to you.
You grab the goon by the collar so hard his feet almost leave the floor and toss him out of your seat.
A huge bar fight erupts but you are getting old now.
You try to run for the exit but can't get through the crowd of high schoolers who are all on speed.
The moral of the story: A hero must know when to leave the party while the party's still going.
You're dead now like冰室 and other junkies you once knew.