You are Jonathan Josh, A writer for the "dude stfu" Series. Your boss, Jojofanthingo2, Wants you working in the figurine area. The employee's there are so fucking rude, Will you survive your first day in the figurine area?
"Hey! You can't just come into my office like that! I'm not going to let you do it! What the fuck is this shit?"
You enter the office with a gift for your new team mates. a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. They look at you as if they don't believe what you did was possible.
"I need help." You say while eating the food.
"What kind of help?" ask one of your team mates.
"I need ideas."
They all look at each other, then you.
"What kind of ideas?" ask the other one.
you say "I need ideas on things to fry."
A silence takes effect. After 2 minutes of thinking, one of your team mates gets up.
poke"I have an Idea."
"What?" you ask.
You explain to Poke that putting wet wood in the fryer is essentially creating a grease grenade. You do it anyway. The idea of a diner full of burn victims gets you hard.
The next day you enter the diner, a few customers scream as they see you run around with your head on fire.
while your head burns, you reveal your troubled past to the onlookers.
"I...um..was a troubled child." you say as the skin burns from your face.
The onlookers show no emotion, only fear. Fear that you will attack them given the chance.
you bring a pot of hot oil over to a waiting table to prepare your signature "wet wood salad". As you prepare the ingredients you accidently knock a glass of water with your erection into the pot of oil. You decide to ignore this fact and pour the oil over your salad.
You realize that the boiling hot oil causes you immense pain and burns all the skin off your hands, arms and face.
The waitress breaks out of her petrified shock and throws you a Fire Extinguisher. you bring it to your face and try to put the fire out. you end up coating your face with foam.
you manage to extinquish the flames. You profusely apologize to the table as you continue their "wet wood salad". The three customers leave the diner, promising to never return. They claim that after today, they will seek shelter at a place worthy of their refined pallets: McDonalds.
you walk outside where you are greeted by jeering newsmen. "Jonathon! How does it feel to be the dumbest living American?" One says through a speaker.
You chase down that reporter and get right in his face. You see the fear in his eyes. You spit out a tooth and yell "How does it feel, cocksucker?"
Then you remember your naked torso and snap back inside for fear of losing your dignity.
you get a call from a doctor claiming he can restore your face, but the procedure will change you forever. Through out the call, you hide behind a tree while children throw rocks at you. You realize that one of the children is your daughter. her beautiful face distorted by her drinking problem.
you grab your hideous daughter and hobble into the woods as kids throw stones.
your soon set upon by a pack of wild rabid wood ducks. you and your daughter are torn to shreds in the most painful way imaginable.
The moral of the story: don't go into the woods, and always wear your safety goggles.