EP350 #4

Posted under EP350 #4, Story On By Chief

You are Carson "The Typhoon" Bronsley, a forty year old boxer. Your manager is a complete idiot who's set you up to fight a grizzzly bear. You have only one day to train.

A week later you get the call that your opponent has been found and it's yours! The crowd goes wild as they see this grizzly bear, but then you hear them chanting 'Carson Bronsley' in unison.

Your next challenge is a tournament at the local boxing gym. This will be no easy task, but with some help from your friends you can do it!
you rub your lucky lewd figurine of a cat-girl from the hentai "dude stfu". As you stroke it you whisper "give me the strength to beat up a bear." as always it responds "مرحبا" (merhaba) which is arabic for hello.

Turning your attention to the crowd you see all your friends, and the grizzly bear in the ring. You damn near shit yourself as he stomps his feet and drools, waiting to eat you. With all the courage you can muster, you jump into the ring and begin chanting
"No habla ingles" over and over until the bear is bewildered, annoyed and distracted enough for you to land a solid punch right to it's jaw. This dazes the bear, but doesn't faze it of course.
you yell at the bear "Vaya con Dios" as you uppercut the Grizzly. As the punch connects with it's throat the bear takes both it's paws and begins dancing uncontrollably as electricity shoots through it's body
you yell at the crowd "Shut the fuck up or he'll getcha'!" in which they comply instantly.
The crowd starts throwing salmon roe on the ring. the Bear slips in the messy eggs. shits. blood ,and semen and falls just in time for you to land a powerful right hook into it's face, knocking out four of it's teeth.
You realize this is no normal grizzly bear, but an animatronic from Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.  You start to stroll the ring as if you have won, until the bear stands up again. Like before, it's uncontrollably dancing as electricity flows through it's body. Then it shocks you. You begin bleeding from the inside as you cry.
The pain is so immense that you puke and shit yourself.
you confidently say "that shit was just slowing me down." as you tackle the bear right off the side of the ring onto the announcers table. The crowd is dead silent.
Soon you will join them.
The bear and you tumble off the announcer's table through the center camera man and right out of the ring.
you tell the bear "Como Teh Llamos" as you land your signature punch: right in the babymaker. The bear hits the ground stunned; It's ass is in the air and it's face on the ground.
You stand up as you yell "Tanto!"
you Jump on that bear ass.
"Time to find out if shes a Mayan girl" You say as you penetrate the beast's asshole
and split it nearly in half.
The crowd erupts into applause.  You head to the ring to collect your prize when suddenly you feel a piercing pain in both of your temples. The room begins to go dark as you hear *girls voice* "Take that, bitch."
You turn around to see your opponent: a tall woman with devil horns who appears nearly naked. *gasp* It's a woman.
You begin to pull out the bear's ass when she violently kicks you in the jaw.
The kick separates you from the bears ass and you slide across the ground under the ring. Beneath the ring you find  a staircase in the corner filled with garbage and dirty toys. At the bottom of the staircase lays a peanut-butter cracker and a rubber ducky.
you know the tall woman will follow you under the ring soon so you need to prepare. You begin shoving as much garbage as you can up the cracker and slip the ducky into your trunks.
Sure enough, the woman descends into the hole to finish you off.
She's fallen for you trap!  You pull the rubber duck out of your trousers and bash her in the face with it.
Then you shove the dirty wet cracker into her eye. That'll teach her to mess with a squid kid.
She falls to the floor holding her eye screaming in pain.
you check if the tall woman is Mayan. You look at her shoulder and find a tattoo of two crossed drum sticks. You assume that she can't be a Mayan woman because Mayan women don't have tattoos.
You perform your finishing move. you pounce upon her right arm and begin consuming it. She tries to resist so you stuff some of her hair in her mouth so she stops screaming.
the camera man crawls under the ring to find you covered in viscera. You look directly at the camera and say "I love you, mommy." then bite her forearm off and chew.
The police try to stop you, but the crowd pushes them back. "It's just a TV show, leave the kid alone
You chant, "Donde esta la bibliotheca" and the crowd joins in on the chant as you are placed in the back of a police car.
Later, you find yourself with no recollection of how you got there in a Motel 6. You walk over to the television and press the power button.
"Thank you for watching" it says in spanish
you say to the television "Merhaba"
You notice a bible laying on the nightstand otherwise the room is empty. You open the bible to the New Testament and see some musings in Spanish written throughout.
You read the musings out loud:
"When the lord saw the money burned in worship of him, a fast F5 tornado came and raised the priest from the ground an fucked him in the ass."
the Motel 6 begins to crumble and fly away from around you as an F5 tornado says to you "we got some priests to fuck"
you fall under the tornado and are raised into the air. "lets split this priest open and fuck him in the ass!"
You feel the tornado slowly enter your asshole and begin intensifying. "please stop" you yell, but the tornado doesn't stop and instead forces more wind inside of you.
you fuse souls with the tornado and gain the following fuck tornado powers:
You scream "merhaba" as the priest fuck tornado fuses with you and a tube is inserted in your ass. "let's rotate each other"
You fuse with the tornado but it is too much for you to handle and you fart it out. The tornado absorbs into your soul and the room begins to rebuild itself.
you contain your powers and live peacefully in the Motel 6. The legend of "The Typhoon" lives on.
Over the years you keep an ear out for any girls named Hazel but none live in the area and the closest one lives in Oregon. You fall in love again and marry but it doesn't last very long.
The moral of the story: be nice to everyone you meet because you never know if that person will be your true love, even if they are a liar, or have salmonella.
That's it.
you ask The AI to rate the story.
"The story has no linearity or a real ending. It's just various things that happened in the life of Qohen"
Out of 5 stars, the AI gives you 2 stars for creativity. You are branded as an unreliable narrator and nobody believes your story.
It takes you a while to come up with a conclusion due to the trauma you experienced in the Albuquerque universe.