EP347 #3

Posted under EP347 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Sir Duly Goodwright, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon flying above you. He is so big that it takes all your strength just to stand before him. "I am Sir Goody Two-Shoes," says the dragon, "and I will be your opponent today."

"No, no!" cries out Sir Goody Two-Shoes.
Sir Goody Two-Shoes tries to back out of the fight. 

"Oh, no! Oh, no!" cries out Sir Goody Two-Shoes. "My name is not good enough for you? My name is too humble?"
You look around at your surroundings and you notice a van down by the river, where the dragon actually lives.  You reveal your troubled past to Sir Goody Two-Shoes.
"I see. I shall forego all pretense then," says the dragon,
as you lean in for a kiss.
My sister was not a virgin. She was drunk during her wedding night and her husband could not perform until she shouted out his name. He reached climax when she shouted out the name
, but she shouted out the wrong name.  She shouted out your name: Sir Duly Goodwright! It seems the baby wasn't her husband's. It seems the baby was yours!
> You say "I just peed my pants. Stand back, everybody. I'm about to crap my pants!"
The entire world is destroyed in the ensuing apocalypse and never to be heard from again.
your world is only brown muck now. you wade through the knee deep sludge and feel around in it when you a: find food and eat it, b: find an animal and eat it, or c: try to make a fire. the world is covered in delicious things to eat but without fire you'll die of starvation.
You meet your good friend Ozzy Osborn, who is cranked out on many, many drugs, and helps you make a fire. You are then able to eat the delicious things around you. Your hunger is sated and you are able leave these horrific landscapes behind.
you board Ozzy's crazy train. 
You shotgun a beer bong and the delicious brew floods your mouth.
30 minutes later you're lit on fire and spinning in circles. 
Every face you've ever seen appears before you.
Ozzy says "quick take these!" and he hands you a bunch of multi-colored pills. 
You wake up at home. Your mom is there, looking badly disfigured and tells you about how she found religion.
You notice all of your mother's deformities: she has large burn marks all over her, her skin has peeled off, her eyes are clouded and white, and maggots writhe in her eye-sockets.
you tell momma "your face if FUCKED up."
You are eaten by the mother. You whimper as she sucks out all the fluids from your body. You hope Ozzy won't get mad you died before him.
Ozzy sings an original song at your funeral: "Dig me a hole, my arms are tired."
He dunks you in the hole. The earth quickly caves in to bury you as they say. Your rotting corpse is buried but not quite forgotten.
Ozzy comes back to the cematary after the funeral and digs you up. He puts you in his freezer and you become the main ingredient in pot-roast.
Several months pass and one night, Ozzy's girlfriend overdoses.
Sir Goody Two-Shoes reads about your death in the paper and leaps off a building to his death.
NECROMANCER:
You died and got stronger. Now you're too powerful for your band's name to even matter anymore.
you go on a solo world tour. 
You play heavy metal covers of "It's Raining Men." 
At a concert in Australia, you are married to a local. 
it was just a publicity stunt.
you go on a 2nd world tour with your new wife, Yoko Bogon, who cant stop ruining  your songs with a digeridoo. 
Your relationship is tabloid fodder. You hate her. Your fans hate her. 
One night she is attacked by bulls and becomes severely fucked up, both mentally AND physically.
you divorce your vegetable wife.
The record label drops you from the label.
The immoral of the story: don't fuck with a vegetable.
By chance you return to heavy metal and release "Stonetech" a new kind of super heavy metal music.