EP346 #1

Posted under EP346 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Zakk, an undisputed Garfield Kart 2: Furious Racing champion in the state of Pennsylvania. Your sick drifting skills and immaculate usage of the lasagna power up landed you a place in the American Garfield Kart Championship. You are terrified to see that one of the opponents in the first race is the orange cat himself, Garfield.

Garfield is faster than you by several seconds. He will be able to pass you if he wants to.
you go into a sharp turn and drift in front of Garfield to stop him from passing you. You have to do something fast though because it's not like you can wait around for the next turn. You're going to need all your speed if you want to win this thing!
You realize that your speed is not enough, so you pull out that gun that pico uses in school pico. Using your bullet proof vest and the cat net found in the lasagna patch, you manage to weave through the trees in between bullets . The effects of the lasagna is starting to wear off and you are getting really hungry.
You reveal your troubled past to the pit crew. All your friends back at the orphanage will be so proud of you. Even that one girl you had a crush on will be happy for you. LOVE is in the air.
"this... is for you ev-"
Someone from the crowd screams, "There is a condom slice on the road! LOOK OUT!" Fuck. You quickly put on the brakes but this is not good. In a few seconds, you hit the condom at 40 mph. The rubber hits your face and flies off into the air.
You manage to get a hold of yourself and say, "Tastes like clum."
"The race is over!" some woman cheers.
"Phew!" you exclaim. You finally get out of your car and try to regain balance after the fear of dying.
> You stumble to your pit crew and ask "Who won the race??"
As you make your way towards your pit crew, the announcer says "This could be the closest finish in history, folks!"
You arrive at your pit crew and think to yourself, "I've done it. I'm here."
You see your team standing around smiling at you.
 The officials decide that the race is so close, you have to run the race again.
The next day, you're put against pico in the cruelest rematch ever. This time, you're on the road to a life of no meaning, no love, and no happiness.
You use your Lasagna overdrive powerup and say, "Mondays, am I right?" as you take lead in the race. The lasagna is strong, but pico just seems to get stronger and faster. He begins passing you on the final lap and you lose the race by 2 feet.
> You stand on the podium in second place with your head held low as you hear the announcer announce....
"Congratulations to our race winner, pico, for working so hard, they have been training 7 hours a day! Way to go!"
You lose the race by 1 foot and everyone goes home.
you gear up for the final race of the season on the Lasagna Road, a winding track through treacherous terrain.
You are in the final race of the season and it's one of those moments when everything is on the line. You've been drifting for years and have always wanted to become a professional gDrifter.
Your pit crew has been hard at work turning your racer into the ultimate drifting machine. you grip the steering wheel as the flag waves and the race begins. Your heart beats like the roaring engines of a heavily modded car. You and your competitors tear down the entrance ramp and enter the track.
You fly out to take an early lead, you are feeling pretty confident about this one, until Garfield pulls out his secret weapon: A sticky glue gun which has a pump attached, the pump has a balloon attached, the balloon has a rat trapped inside. the rat is pumped full of adrenaline and speeds down into the race track.
The rat starts to gnaw at your tires. Garfield lazily leaps from his vehicle and attacks the rat. As Garfield and the rat skip across the pavement you race across the finish line. YOU'VE WON!
The crowd is so angry with garfield that they tear him to shreds. Amazingly, the fans build a statue of the rat and name the trophy after it.
You say, "I must consume an envious amount of Datura."
You drive off into the sunset with your trophy and a box full of pills and realize you've lived a life others can only dream of.
The moral of the story: Always be early to the race.