EP345 #3

Posted under EP345 #3, Story On By Chief

You are a tangerine the size of a child, you are rolling down the hills of Burma. Your plan? To steal a ruby. Upon picking up the precious gem, you realize the following: it is actually an orange. TANGERINE BURMA ORANGE CHILD TANGERINE CHILDREN IN ORANGE BURMA. Emily says, "Confucius say, Nom Nom Nom, you fucking turd."

"I am not a turd," you reply. "I am just trying to get away from my mother's house.
you say to the Orange "I will raise you like you were my own little tangerine boy."

The Orange says, "No, I will be your brother."

You are on a beach in Hawaii. You have been here before and know that this is where you want to go next.
> You and your brother, the orange, go to meet your other brother, the coconut.
You are hiding behind a giant pine tree, on the edge of a tiny village in the middle of England. Next to you sits the coconut. He has been your friend for only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 23 seconds.
you inform the coconut how long you've been friends.
"We've been friends for a long time."
"I know, I couldn't think of anything else to say." The coconut replies.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds interrupts your awkward conversation. You and the coconut head off to the giant hedge maze where you met the Satsuma earlier. You hope you will have just as much luck there as you did with him.
"Make way."
You make a wrong turn in the hedge maze and now you and the coconut are on Saturn.
says the hedge maze.
"I'm the maze."
You panic. This is because you are not prepared.
The other planets laugh at you.
A large purple figure walks from out of the hedge maze, you recognize him as Illidan Stormrage. Illidan says to you "YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!"
You disagree with him and argue that you are prepared for anything. You and the hedge maze have an intellectual conversation over whether you were unprepared or not.
You tell the hedge maze, "PEPEPEPEPE BOBOBOBOBOBO LULULULULU IM DROWNIIIIIGLUUURGH." This convinces the hedge maze that you are, in fact, prepared. He parts ways with you and tells you to "Enjoy Hell".
you enter the portal to hell with Coconut and Orange.
You spend the remainder of eternity being burned by hellfire, forever.
You say,  "Sorry, there is no fruit afterlife."
Your brother, the blueberry, says, "Wanna go for a spin?"
You decline.
you wake up in hell for another day of torture when the devil in charge of your torture is enjoying a tropical beverage. The devil says "mmmm, coconut and blueberry."
"Excuse me?" you ask.
The devil says, "Oh, nothing."
You decide to try and escape from hell again.
You give the demon blocking the exit to Hell the last your heroin. He falls out of his seat and most importantly, out of the way.
This is great! You're so glad you saved your drugs until now, what a coincidence that you happened to need heroin right now!
you sneak through hell, sticking to the shadows. Demons race around looking for you. They stand between you and your freedom. In fact, there are so many demons standing in your way on the way to the surface that you can't even see where you're going.
You manage to perfectly hide behind an extra fat demon and make your way out of hell. Just, walking on the surface of Earth again is a nice feeling.
However, you realize that you're underground, and the only passageway out of this cave is back to Hell.
> You find a pocket of cocaine in the stone. You sniff it, and start tunneling your way to the surface.
You dig deep into the Earth, and you start to worry that you've gotten yourself lost down here. You can't tell east from west or up from down. You recognize the same rock formation over and over again.
You get hungry and eat your friend the coconut.
You can't take it anymore. You want to accept defeat. The demons win. You'll be stuck here forever.
Then you remember, you brought your lighter down here.
You light the way and finally see the Sun and rush towards it. It's been a long time since you saw it.
You burst out of the cave and are blinded by the Sun.
You fall over, in pain. Everything is really bright and white. Your eyes burn.
you hear rumbling coming from the hell hole, demons pour out of it and begin to invade the world.
you need to get prepared for the invasion.
Most people think you'm crazy when you steal their bulldozer and use it to stop the deadly flow of demons from hell that day.
The moral of the story: Opiates can open up one's mind to interesting events if taken in the right (or wrong) dosages.