You are Falls On Face, an unfortunately named tribesman from the Ichi tribe. One day you're selected to join a hunting party and not mess it up by doing your namesake. Realizing you have no weapons to hunt with you grab the nearest weapon like object, a spear that is. The spearhead has been sharpened and polished into a point, but its still just as deadly when used properly.
you stalk through the woods with the tribe when you come across a pack of beasts. You kill them all easily, but they don't go down easy.
You meet with the chief and your reward: a Giant Hamster ball to stop you from falling on your face. He also gives you a new name: "Rolls with Balls". You try to object, but the chief tells you a confusing tale about how brave men reconized by gods become giants praised greatly while alive and revered in stories after death. Its hard to argue against a confusing tale about giants.
But the hamster ball does have convenient holes in it, so you start using it to put over your spear to protect the sharp tip from being damaged from walking on it. This works surprisingly well.
After time goes on you get used to use the hamster ball and start forming rows of spikes out of other scrap metal you found in the wilderness.
You look at your picture of the AIPD tribe. Their members are Jason, Tony, Jim and Cory. You are filled with fighting spirit and level up to gain the follow Hamster ball powers:
You can be Falling Over But The Point Man Won't Get Hurt, which has always been a huge concern in your life.
You can also become Falling Over And Getting Back Up Again immediately whenever its needed.
you are running through the fields in your ball when you crash into another giant hamster ball being piloted by Keanu Reeves. Keanu starts bashing his head on a boulder. The crash leaves you Gary Busey crazy.
You sit there reciting multiplication tables when Martin Sheen comes back into existence from nothing and becomes the new demi-god of fiction.
Kurt Russel appears. He wants you to have his Mutitude, but apparently it has sarcastic comments about how useless it'll be. In turn you gain the respect of the squishy and useless Nerds of Legend.
Kurt Russel throws a stick of dynamite at the nerds and says "Fuck you too" before winking at you.
You tumble into a trench and realize you've been playing way too much Worms. Your brain needs every stat point in everything.
you challenge the nerds to a game of Worms. They bring the comatose bodies of John Wayne and Chuck Norris in an attempt to intimidate you. You lay down some mines and blow Chuck's head off.
Chuck Norris' head lands on one of the nerds and explodes, killing him. This causes John Wayne's body to look at the head growling "That was a good round".
> You realize falling on your face is what made you happy.
You lie to Martin that you kind of like to roll on your face. He gets upset and leaves you. But, its okay since his mortals are all dying in the distance anyway. Sitting around will be good until its time to kill everybody.
you kind of like the whole sitting around bit. It really doesn't take much thinking at all. You're better off than most beings in existence.
You do just, you sit around and don't do much of anything until you die.
You sit around in your hamster ball. This is magnificent.
The moral of the story: Don't go too far, sit around and enjoy your final moments in a hamster ball.