EP343 #1

Posted under EP343 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Fabio Lanzoni, a hunky American-Italian actor. Years ago, the existence of margarine caused you to have an existential crisis. If you couldn't trust butter, what could you trust? You began to question everything, including the molecular composition of your friends and family. You disappeared for years as you struggled to make sense of the amorphous world around you. But now you're back, and you have one goal in mind. You must infiltrate Area 51 and discover the truth. Every truth.

The only problem is, you don't know where the hell it is! It's been fifty years since you were last there...and even then, you didn't really think about going back.
You list the top 10 Kyles that join you in your Area 51 raid: 1. Mr. X 2. Dr. Girlfriend 3. The Alien 4. The Supermarket 5. Mrs. X 6. The Man 7. A Mysterious Woman 8. Mr. Y 9. Mr. Z 10...wait, I'm Kyle. Drat!
Oops, you just reset the list! You must've hit the wrong button. Let's try again!
You acquire #6: The Trespasser! The trespasser can become any NPC in the game! You acquire #3: The World's Most Haunted Hamburger!
You meet Jason, Area 51 guard who is in charge of Guarding the Butter and margarine section. He says that he's very lonely down here and asks if you wouldn't mind sticking around to talk for a while.

We live in uncertain times. Terror lurks around every corner, relentless and indiscriminate.
you lay a trap for Jason, you know he cant resist a hot burger. you leave the haunted burger for him and he devours it. Jason keels over and begins to shift into flesh golems. They are under your control now.
you send out your flesh golems to squeeze beneath locked doors to give you access. the area 51 raid is successful and you will always be remembered as the hero who saved the world from darkness. you acquire #8: The Keymaster
and #9 a dark matter jar (just in case).
> You are planning your escape, when you turn a corner and come face to face with an alien.
You stare into its black, soulless eyes. You know in that moment, the courage Kyle used to have has long since faded.
You realize there is nothing left for you now but to embrace the shadows forever.
you throw the dark matter Jar at the alien in desperation. It breaks upon impact and splatters the alien's chest with dark matter, causing it to wail in pain.
The alien sinks into the floor and a door flies open: it's Rick Moranis, he says, "Come with me if you want to live!"
So you do. You jump into the portal and find yourself in a different part of Area 51.
Rick Moranis leads you down a hallway. He tells you that he works with a group of resistance fighters in the multiverse to help stop the coming shadow threat.
You say you'll help fight the shadow threat, but as you head outside you see the National Guard has arrived. You pry open a supply locker with your bulging riplyness and hand Rick Moranis a  wildernesssurvival backpack, giving him everything you have. He thanks you and wishes you luck as he runs off into the wilderness.
The National Guard gets you in their sights, forcing you to run for your life.
You chase after Rick, but he is long gone.  You try to hide in the wilderness. You create a lean-to shelter and try to trap small woodland creatures to eat.
Over time you learn the wilderness and its inhabitants quite well, but it isn't enough.
you encounter Rick, armed with a flint-tipped spear. He has gone feral. He seems to be enjoying a tall glass of his own piss.
He gives you a wry grin and says, "Time to die, lizard."
You level up and gain the following desert lizard powers: 1 use of underworld swimming (allows you to breath underwater), 1use of sun sight (lets you stay up during the night) and 2 uses of camouflage.
It is time to use these powers!
You camouflage and manage to surprise Rick Moranis with an attack.  Your latent alien DNA begins to activate. Your head shoots out tentacles that start draining his life force, turning him to dust.
You are now effectively immortal. You begin to phase out the governments of the world and establish a new civilization run by the dark shadows.
The moral of the story: You are the chosen one. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to mean anything in this world.