You are Dick Kickem, a certified badass. You're on a mission to eradicate those alien bastards that hit your Ride. You've got balls of steel. You're here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and you're all out of gum.
The aliens have been attacking the Earth for years now, but they haven't had any luck in their attempts to take over it. They've tried everything, from nuclear weapons to giant spaceships. Nothing works!
the aliens invade Los Angeles and start stealing all the hot babes. you put on your sunglasses and say "They're gonna pay for takin our chicks"
you go back home and tell everyone about how they need to get rid of the aliens if they want to survive.
> You tell them that the secret is:
You say that teamwork is the key to killing the aliens. You all agree to work together.
forty years later
You pierce through the aliens' forces like a sharp blade through rotten fruit.
You travel to AIPD headquarters: a building that Jason is letting the aliens use a hideout despite protests from Tony, Jim and Cory.
You go inside to kill the AIPD and rescue your kidnaped hot chicks.
> You find Jim dressed up as a "hot chick"
You look at Jim. You think he's dressed up as a "hot chick".
He doesn't look at all like a gorgeous girl though, he looks like a regular guy who is wearing really bizarre clothing.
Tony explains that he is a Hollywood sex double.
Jim is looking around for the director of the movie who decided to use him instead of a proper actress.
Jim is the star of the new movie: Eric the Unicorn: The Miraculous Magic Laughter Liquid.
Jim prepares for his sex scene with Eric the Unicorn. The scene starts and Jim says "Give me your magic laughter liquid. SPRAY ME!"
He sucks it up with a straw. He chokes on it and starts dying.
You start laughing, because you think he's faking it.
He dies for real.
You go over to Jim.
You say, "Yeah pizza cake."
"We can take these corpses and give them to the homeless," suggests Bertrand.
You go over to Jim's corpse, and kick him in the head.
He says: "That hurt."
You notice a cage floating above the set. You see all the hot chicks and go to free them.
"Don't do it!" orders Bertrand.
You wonder why you're not supposed to free them.
A unicorn appears and inflates to the size of a mountain.
the Unicorn continues to swell until he bursts and covers the entire set in Miraculous Magic Laughter Liquid. You look around as all the cast and crew begin to laugh. You feel happiness wash over you, and then die.
Jimmy the production assistant brings you back to life and hands you a coffee mug that says World's Greatest Dad.
You thank him and go home.
"What'd you do?"
You level up and gain the following badass powers:
Happiness: You are the Sad Bear. Your enemies become happy and festive, making them much less scary.
You gain advanced knowledge of where the secret areas in the city are located.
you go to the secret area and encounter several "tough" looking guys. You start spreading happiness to everyone.
"Happiness? This guy thinks he's a clown," says the leader of the group.
They start shooting you. You're hit three times, and die.
Laughter liquid pours from your wounds and drips back u to your mouth causing you to gain 200 pounds.
You have dies. Good job getting this far.
suddenly, you have not dies. you are alive.
The secret area is actually real and no one can see it except you. You're actually in an old fallout shelter dug by your dad during the cold war.
> You realize you have not kicked any ass yet.
You storm into the secret area and shoot your gun.
"Hello," you say.
They respond: "We are big league chewers of Diabetes inducing candy."
more about motivations is revealed.
> You say "It's time for some insulin"
"Insulin", you say.
"Insulin? I haven't thought about that in years. That was my wonder drug," says a man wearing nothing but a g-string.
you say "big league chew is for pussies" as you slap them with your balls of steel.
Several friends arrive. You say "more candy for more butts" as you distribute the rest of your candy.
Finally, no one remains.
The moral of the story: go to your mom's kitchen and get candy, then kill some bitches.