EP340 #2

Posted under EP340 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Jason, a man who just took a DNA test. You get the results in the mail a few days later and it turns out you are 100% THAT BITCH. You have a laugh and assume that there was some kind of error. A week later, you get a call from the United Bitches College Fund. To your surprise, they offer you a full scholarship for being the nation's bitchiest person! Never one to turn down free money, you decide to go along with it.

You spend the next two years at UBCF as their new mascot. The media loves your antics and you become an instant celebrity.
you don your mascot costume and look in the mirror. You've never seen such a beautiful  face before. It feels so good on your lips. You can't wait to take this mask off and show everyone what you're really like.
The costume is a beautiful representation of the school mascot, a majestic animal, a horse. Not just any horse though, a raging stallion. You look at yourself in the mirror and the bulging muscles in your legs, the flowing hair on your torso, the solid arms dangling by your side.
The big game is about to start, you head out on to the field to rile up the crowd when The Manager, god of all managers, stops you on the sidelines. The Manager says "hey you", you respond "yes, yes I am he, no other than the majestic stallion himself.
" The Manager rolls his eyes and tells you to not distract from the Football game.  You lean in for a kiss with The Manager. "With that mustache you're lucky I'm not casting furious lashes of fire and brimstone to smite you down to the seven layers of hell."
You sneer at his remark your lip trembles
you walk out onto the field and do your best performance. Not a chain in your entire performance, not a shackle in existence can hold back that magnificent creature, you. After the game is done, you go to the shop to grab a drink but realize you need money first.
You ask the bartender, "Can't I get a free drink?  I'm Bitchey the Raging Stallion!  Our costume is a fully anatomical horse and I need a drink BADLY!" The bartender laughs and saunters slowly off to get a drink. After cooling down you realize the awful truth, THERE ARE NO JOBS FOR THE LIKES OF YOU.
you neigh with furious rage and horse kick the man next to you at the bar. He screams the place down until a God of wait staff takes him out the back door.
He comes back five minutes later and gives you some cash and says "here's your cut". Two years go by, you repeat this process making a hefty living not through work but through chain-Kicking.
You also make side money by treating CRPS, Carpal tunnel, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Gout, Obesity, Osteoporosis, Drake Syndrom and more.
you get promoted to the god of mascots. you take your place inn the pantheon alongside  insignificant deities such as the God of belly buttons and the goddess of toenails.
your job now is planning parties, events, and parades for humans on earth.
you shower your devotees with lavish horse-themed parties. After some time, your worshippers no longer pray to you, they merely expect your blessings. You wish to punish them with a rain of  flame from the sky, a plague of locusts or some other creative muse, but CRPS has filled your brain with pain and made you numb to suffering.
You level up and gain the following BITCH GOD powers:
The Weak Shall Flee From Your Presence
Invincibility within your dominion
It's Better to Be Feared Than Loved
You May Teach One Villager All Professions
In response, humanity collectively yawn
you make a lucky person your avatar. They are  important but not too important, they are a symbol of nature and luxury. Everything the village does is used to please you; from washing the dishes to taxation policy.
The moral of the story:
The strongest survivor is a FUCKING HORSE.