You are Link, the hero of Hyrule. You are on yet another quest to stop Gannon from destroying the world. After saving a Zora lost in a cave, she gives you The Ocarina of Crime. She tells you that, when played, it will cause someone nearby to do something illegal. You decide to put your mission on hold so you can do cool shit with your new magical instrument.
After some time, you hear a voice calling out to you. It's Princess Zelda! She wants to play her favorite song for you. You aren't sure what this means exactly, but it sounds like fun.
> You zelda plays the song, "Damn, it feels good to be a gangster."
Zelda: Damn, it feels good to be a gangster...
Link: Huh? What is it, Zelda?
You think Zelda is coming on to you, so you lean in for a kiss.
Whoa! That's a bit of a surprise for both of you. Eventually, you stop the make out session and talk again.
Zelda: Um, I'm sorry Link.
You dejectedly play your Ocarina of Crime and watch as Princess Zelda commits a crime: she takes the shirt off of a random Hylian man. He looks embarrassed, but seems to like it.
Another man appears and turns your attention away from this crime.
Man: Hey, you! The hoodlum! Come over here.
You are now forced to choose whether to join this town's gang or get beaten up.
You are approached by the gang and play the Ocarina of Crime to watch the gang commit crime: first, they rob a store clerk, then they steal the town's gold, and finally, they kidnap a man.
Zelda is mad at you for playing the Ocarina of Crime.
Man: How do we get to the castle?
Man 2: The king isn't letting anyone in.
Man: What? I heard he died.
Man: What are we going to do?
You say, "Well excccuuuuuuuuse me Princess, but are the rumors true? Is your father dead?"
Man: Shut up!
Man: How do we get to the king? Surely he has a solution to our problem.
Man: Bah, I'm not listening to this.
You visit Morshu, a shopkeeper that sells rope, lamp oil & bombs, as long as you have enough rubies.
Morshu: Oh, hello young sir! What can I do for you?
You: I have a problem, and you're the only one who can help me.
Morshu: Oh?
You: I need to get across this river, but the king's men have set up a blockade.
Morshu: Mmmm... That is true.
Morshu suddenly leaves the shop.
You play the Ocarina of Crime and rob Morshu of everything. You have enough bombs to level the entire kingdom. You then take your rope and go back to the bridge.
You: Hello? Anyone there?
Man: We're busy!
You: Well too bad! You're blocking my way!
You bomb the man. Shadows appear and start to drag the bodies into the water. You continue this until there is no one in sight.
Man: What do I do with these ropes?
You: Throw them over there rope!
You reach the King's castle. You take the reigns of his horse and stab the king through the chest, killing him. His guards appear and try to fight you, but only succeed in dying.
You become the King and Princess Zelda enters to see her father has been stabbed.
You: Excuse me, are you alright?
Z: (sob) I'm sorry, but I had no choice. He was going to kill you.
You play the Ocarina of Crime and you and Zelda both do a crime: you kiss!
You: Well it's a good thing you're my girlfriend now, I couldn't have done this with out you.
Z: Yes, well I hope you realize that now.
The moral of the story: don't kiss anyone you don't have a good reason too!
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