EP339 #1

Posted under EP339 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Grug, Caveman and "Muscle" for a band of misfit "heroes" living in Bowsers castle. Your team includes self taught Toe-Fu master Billy Evans, subpar archer Jeremy Renner, and the Koopa King Bowser. Bowser says "you can pay me back for the lodging by protecting the castle while I'm on a date with Princess Peach. Her Ex Mario hasn't taken the hint and has ruined several of our dates in the past."

Your mission is to get to the castle before he does so you set out on foot. You find yourself in a forest where you meet up with your other teammates who have also come across something strange. A large tree is growing from one side of the ground and when you approach it, you see that its roots are extending into the earth. It's not just any old tree though; it looks like some sort of mushroom!
> You realize the tree is a gateway to the Mushroom kingdom.
You become excited and decide to enter through the gateway. Doing this makes you feel strange, as if you've been asleep for a very long time.
You look around at a new land and see you are in the Mushroom Kingdom, home to Mario.  You look around for clues to see where Mario could be.
"Hey Mario, it's me, Grug." You call out. "I'm here to save your hide."
To your surprise, a voice calls back "Thanks for getting here faster than I expected Grug. I'll explain on the way to Princess Peach's chambers."
Peering through the trees, you see a figure waving at you, it's Mario!
> You approach Mario, cautiously.
As you get closer, you notice that the figure isn't human. It's a goat. A very ugly goat.
"HEY! Who let the goats out?" You panic and start backing away.
You are startled by Mario's goat appearance, from his pixelated photo you could have sworn he was a tiny Italian man. In front of you stands a large bearded creature. Well, not so much creature, more like a large lad with auburn hair.
> You realize this is not Mario, but a decoy. You ask the decoy to identify himself.
"Ah, apologies. My name is Gooper Blooper and I am here to escort you to Princess Peach's chamber."
"What?" You ask confused.
Gooper Blooper hands you a bag of Magic Mushroom's that Mario is selling for 9 million Mushroom Kingdom dollars, he tells you he'll put it on your tab.  You eat the mushrooms and follow Gooper to Princess Peach's chamber. It's at this point you realize that you've been had. This whole thing is some sort of hallucinogenic drug cooked up by the Koopa King. You feel your mind becoming more and more hazy.
> You panic and call your friend Billy Evans, who is a master of psychedelics as well.
You panic and begin calling out for Billy, but you soon realize your voice is turning into that of a manic goat's. Gooper chuckles as you panic and run around in circles.
You turn into a goat just as Billy Evans arrives.  He panics and runs away.
You become a goat for the third time when you realize what's happening, and this is the most terrifying part. You are no longer in control of your body.
You stomp Morse code for Jeremy Renner and he arrives in the blink of an eye. He asks you what's going on and you tell him. In the corner of your eye, you see Gooper putting on his leather gloves and preparing to card David Duchovny.
> You ask David Duchovny to help you.
David Duchovny has had much experience with mind-altering substances in his career, and he realizes something is very wrong. He leaps into the fray, trying to reason with Gooper Blooper.
David Duchovny uses all of his X-Files expertise to reason with Gooper Blooper. Gooper is unimpressed, and when he throws down the truthsayers, you realize this could only end in one way.
> You prepare to battle Gooper Blooper.
You are a master of many forms of combat and have trained all your life to use them.
Grug uses Toe-Fu in addition to his Wu-Tang powers to defeat Gooper Blooper. Gooper Blooper is taken off guard and Grug easily takes his hand off. Still, the rest of Goopers hold their ground.
You use your Toe-Fu to knock out 100 Goopers. This is a large enough number to make Gooper retreat, but not a huge win.
Grug Blooper was able to take off one of Gooper's hands using Toe-Fu. You stand on top of Gooper's remaining hand and begin violently punching it. You feel your knuckles snap, but that doesn't matter.
The moral of the story: Toe-Fu doesn't work against many people, but if you have trained with it, then you can fight like a fury.