EP338 #3

Posted under EP338 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Roy Cabbage, owner and Manager of the greatest Cabbage-Themed Amusement Park in the Midwest, you are getting ready for the grand opening of The Cabbage Patch, the newest rollercoaster that has just won "The Most Boring Rollercoaster " at the prestigious Rollies Award Ceremony.  You begin your acceptance speech:

"I'm so glad to be here! I've been waiting all my life for this day!"

Suddenly a voice interrupts you from behind. It's the voice of Mr.
Carrey Cabbage, your theme park mascot. 

"Hey, hey, hey! Stop right there! I don't want to hear any more speeches about how great The Cabbage Patch is going to be!" he says with his trademark cackle.
He reveals the new roller coaster has a flaw that's going to make it impossible for visitors to enjoy it.

"Ha ha! I knew it was too good to be true!" he laughs,
You go to the Haunted House where Carrey Cabbage tells you of more horrifying flaw in the park.
"And that's just the major ones! Come on, we need to tell the park board about this right away!" he says.
> You begin to strangle Carrey Cabbage.
You quickly start strangling Carrey, to cut the mic he begins to scream for help.
"Help! I'm being murdered!"
The entire park slowly gathers around you and Carrey to watch the show.
Carrey Cabbage wilts more and more, until he is dead.  Then the park goes back to business as usual.
That night you are met by a man in a dark hood.
"Good work today, I see the flaw you spoke of has been corrected."
The hooded man says "here is the next threat to CabbageWorld." He hands you A photo of Tony while he was working as a Hollywood Sex double. "He is the main attraction at the park right now, kill him and you'll gain instant popularity."
You quickly show the picture to your wife and kids. "I'm going to get that bastard."
You camp out at the place you know that Tony likes to frequent: The Diner, the next morning.
"I'm going to kill him for making me look like a whore." You say.
> You wait for Tony to leave the diner then you follow him.
The next day, you follow him outside while he smokes a cigarette. You walk up behind him and wrap your hands around his head. His neck snaps instantly. A short woman with a broom walks over to you.
> You wait for Tony to leave the diner then you follow him.
The next month goes by with no more threats. That's when you learn that the Cabbage Patch Killer is dead. The cacher behind the assassinations was arrested and executed shortly there after. You are forgotten about entirely.
You get drunk one night at the The Pickled Cabbage, the town bar, and accidentally tell Mini Soda, a mascot played by Peter Dinklage, about your attrocities. The entire town learns of your crimes within a week. You are booed every where you go, people throw rotten vegetables at you, and the press is nasty about the incident.
> You lock yourself in the theme park's clock tower and hide yourself away from the world.
You live your remaining days in the theme park, alone, never leaving the park, drinking yourself to death at the tavern. One day you are found there by a scavenging team from the army.
Army scientists clone you and bring you back to life.  It turns into a media frenzy, some say you are behind the original crimes, others say you are a copy cat. The media never lets you go, even though you have been proven innocent time and time again.
you are shunned by the community for your originals crimes. The only people who defend you are the families of the people you killed. You feel terrible about it, but it's too late now.
you roam the park, hiding your face behind the cabbage mascot costume. You watch your children grow from the little Brussel sprouts into full cabbages. You see your friends get replaced by newer attractions.
The park changes with the times, but you stay the same.
Your cabbage children try to get you to go to the park centennial anniversary party and you begrudgingly agree. But once there, you refuse to take off the costume. People mistake you for the original killer and run away in terror.
You laugh at them as you go back to your daily routines.
You become the phantom of the park.
You die in the year 2018 after falling off of the tower while performing for the visitors. Your final moments are hearing them call you beautiful.
The moral of the story: Don't commit crimes, you'll end up like this guy.