EP338 #2

Posted under EP338 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Jeff Beerzos, the owner of Sendmestuff. You're the richest man in the world because you've automated your entire workforce. One day you come in to work to discover that your automated workforce has made a machine to do your job and you're fired from your own company without severance pay.

Now you have no money and you need to find some way to get it back.
You need some quick to get you started, so you head to the sperm bank. It's not like you don't know about them; they're just one of those places where people can donate their semen for free.
You are upset that you just worked a full day and aren't getting paid so you decide to rob the sperm bank.
Good thing you didn't actually need to work right now, because you'd have a harder time explaining why you were breaking into the place where you used to donate.
You find the storage room where you find all the semen donations. You dump a bunch of it into a bag and you run out. You leave the bank, hail a cab and tell him to take you to Sendmestuff.
as the cab nears the Sendmestuff headquarters, you see brights lights and hear sirens behind you. its Huge Jackedman, Cum Cop. He pulls you out of the cab, turns you over his knee and spanks you hard for stealing the cab.
You are brought to your feet in front of the media.
You are flustered when a reporter sticks the mic in your face to question you and you drop you bag which explodes on the ground spills its contents. The press takes full advantage of this. You are accused of having a hand in the latest explosion at Sendmestuff headquarters to which you protest your innocence.
> You are convicted and sentenced to 10 years of hard labor in the clum mines.
The jury finds you guilty of robbing the bank and blowing up Sendmestuff headquarters with hopes that your company won't take advantage of your family because you're in prison for a long time.
one day in the mines you hear a faint whisper "drink some. It's good." you follow the strange voice and find a canteen on a shelf. you drink some of it and it tastes good. you take another swill and then there's some onions and green bugs in it. gross!
You hear a voice from the shadows, "How ya like me stew." and then you see Shrek step forward. He carries a small chest and asks, "would you like some stew? I made some earlier."
"What's in the chest?" you ask.
Shrek says, "Kiss me and I'll tell you." You lean in and he whispers something in your ear. "Don't tell anyone about this."
You just nod and follow the big ogre into a corner of the mine and down some stairs.
He gives you a sloppy kiss and let's you look inside his chest. You see jars of human heads. In the jars, you see expressions of horror, pain and even one or two of fear. One says "don't judge a book by its cover".
you say "thats a really cool collection."
Shrek remarks, "I've gathered most of them from bank heists I've done."
You say "I didn't know you were a bandit."
You tell Shrek that you need money!
Shrek gives you the rest of the day to go gather some goods from houses in the village so he can sell them in a bigger town.
"You were saying you wanted money?"
You do some odd jobs to get some starter cash and then begin to invest.  You automate the clum mines and make a fortune to rival that of Sendmestuff.  Then you buy the company and fire their current robotic CEO and take your rightful place as king of the world.
"Is there anything else you wanted?"
"Yeah," you look into the distance and think about it for a second. "I think I'd like to be a doctor."
Shrek stops you, "What? You don't think you can handle the stress of being a criminal?"
You shake your head, "I hadn't planned on it, but I'd like to try it."
Shrek laughs, "Well come then, you're in the right line of work."
You begin to work your way through medical school and get a job as a physician.
you automate hospitals and before long Auto-docs have replaced human doctors. Eventually you eradicate disease, accidents, and death itself. You live forever and come to rule over everything.
You decide that Earth easy, but you want to conquer the universe.  You start production immediately on interstellar travel. After just a few decades you begin to expand throughout the galaxy.
> You automate the galaxy.
Galaxies are conquered with ease.
You send seeds to new planets and increase production of resources in order to increase the amount of slaves that can be sent to work off their sentence.
The moral of the story: Dreams are optional, butasonable people have them, while ruthless people don't.