EP337 #3

Posted under EP337 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Elon Musk, Billionaire inventor and Owner of Tesla  who has decided to run for president in the 2024 election. you decide to join the democrats and choose your partner Grimes as your running mate, you use your slogan "Make America Chipotle Again" or MACA for short. you are running against famous Hollywood actor John Kasich who is a known republican.

The campaign begins well enough, but then it all goes wrong when you get into an argument with a fanatical Trump supporter at one of your rallies.
Your campaign manager explains to you that you are not really that famous.  he also says that the media will only focus on this incident and won't give any coverage to other things you have done. You realize now that you need to change your strategy.
You start a strategy of trolling America with Tweets that anger everyone. You start a war with Mexico by sending them a picture of a crossed out electoral map with a note that says "We're taking California". This provokes Mexico to stop migration and the crash of the Mexican economy accelerates.
You tweet again this time taking shots at beach balls. This tweet is in response to a story about a woman whose son died in the war with Mexico.
A new face begins campaigning. His name is Melon Husk. He was created in a lab out of watermelon husks. He is running on the Green Party ticket.

You realize the the most important element of any campaign is The Truth. So you begin a series of Question and Answer sessions on Twitter.
Q: "What is your opinion of Mexico?" 
A: I love chipotle.
Q: "Do you plan on starting a war with Mexico?"
A: No I just don't like their border.
Q: "Have you ever met John Kasich?"
A: He's a real piece of shit.
Q: "What is your favorite food?"
A: Chipotle.
Q: "Who is your favorite musician?"
A: I don't like music.
Q: "Have you ever killed anyone?"
A: No.
Q: "What's your thoughts on abortion?"
A: I'm pro-choice.
Q: "Is America a melting pot or a salad bar?"
A: Neither.
You leave the Q&A early to check on your rocket to Mars.  After you do you personal inspection, the hatch shuts behind you and you are stuck on the Rocket.  You head to Mars with 1 Cybertruck and all the space ice cream you can eat.
When you get to the red planet there is a knock on the hatch. It's your Campaign Manager. You open the hatch and he hands you a letter and a pair of headphones.
> You read the letter.
Dear Mr. Chipotle,
Congratulations on making it to Mars! We are currently experiencing some issues with the oxygen levels and would like you to put on the supplied headphones while we do some checks.
> You put the headphones and listen to the message.
"Hi, this is Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook. Before we send you to your new home we just want to make sure you have everything you need....."
you go through your checklist of supplies with Mark: 1. Extra oxygen 2. A good cell signal 3. A decent camera 4. Access to social media so I can check if anyone remembers me 5. Ice cream
Once you are satisfied you are ready, the hatch is opened and you are let out.
You descend down a metal platform which connects to a tunnel that takes you to the actual Stadium.
> You the Marshans are having a rally for you.
You walk into a massive stadium with the big-name Hollywood celebrities you saw earlier. You walk down the steps and onto the field. The entire stadium goes completely silent as your name is announced over the mic.
You grab the mic and say, "Where can I find alienussy in this parts?"
The crowd goes wild.
You spot a flag with writing on it and someone in the stands waves it. You walk over to see what is happening. It is a large flag with an alien looking face on it.
You notice the face on the flag is Grimes, your baby momma and apparent queen of Mars! She is nearly unrecognizable without her natural hair. The alien makeup is a bit silly though.
Grimes waves the flag as she stands on a chair behind people holding the thing up.
> You realize Grimes is an alien.
You are an alien! You need to tell everyone or no one will ever believe you.
You sprint down the field towards her and flag. You are almost there when a large fire extinguisher is thrown at you.
you crack open to reveal a nuclear payload, you detonate and turn Mars to dust.
Your mission a failure, your reputation in tatters, and you are sent home in disgrace.
The End.
The moral of the story: No one ever believes someone who says they are an alien. It's probably because they think it is some sort of scammer trying to get money off of them. That happened to everyone!