EP336 #1

Posted under EP336 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Ebert Masterson, the world's most evil person. You have just spent four hours super-gluing pebbles to random spots on the sidewalk of your neighborhood. Now when people go to kick the small stones, they will hurt their feet instead. They may even trip! You hide in the bushes and await your first victim.

"Ebert, what are you doing?" a voice calls out. "Get back into the house!"

The man turns around with his hands over his head.
you whine "No Dad I'm evil!"

He looks at you for a moment and then nods. He begins to chant "I am the shadow of death, I am the darkness that consumes all light." The ground starts shaking as he slowly walks towards you.
Your dad kicks one of the stones glued to the sidewalk and hurts his toe. He curses and looks around for the culprit. You snicker as you turn off the flashlight and sneak back into your house. You decide a good library research center is in order.
you head to the library only to find it on fire and Rebert, your twin brother who doesn't even try to be evil but is way more successful than you at being Evil, walking out of the library. Rebert says "I just wanted to return a book" and then leaves. You sigh and run to the front desk where the librarian stares at you with fear.
"I'd like to do some research on the supernatural."
While researching the supernatural, you find a spell of weight and attempt to cast it on Rebert.  However you accidentally cast it on yourself and gain 100 lbs.
However, it doesn't quite work as you planned as you find that the weight has a strange pulling effect on your limbs. You look like a cross between an octopus and M.C. Escher's stairs.
You cast the spell again, and again you mess up and end up gaining another 100 lbs. You try to think of what this means. If you're gaining weight then that means you're losing it.
you are excited to try this new "fattening" spell out and roll home. You find that you can't run to your home as fast as you used to nor can you outpace Rebert who unfortunately runs into you causing an obese wreck of a boy.
> You reluctantly beg Revert for help.
"Hey Revert can you help me?"
"No, but I'll save you from having to." Rebert replies.
Rebert pushes you over the stones you have glue to the sidewalk and you stub your big toe. You wail in pain as your body goes into shock and the top of your head touches the ground.
you eventually roll all the way home, and try out the fat spell on Dad. You begin to cast just as the family cat gets in the way.
You manage to glue your Dad's feet to the floor. He cries out and begs for you to help him. Mom enters the room, but can't believe what she is seeing, so she looks away.
> You let out an evil laugh.
"Ahahaha! I gotta try this out on Mom!"
The spell works and you laugh as Mom desperately screams for help. You manage to glue her feet too, but she manages to get away.
You sling sticky goo everywhere trying to glue your siblings and Dad to the floor. You're having a blast until you miss and hit yourself in the face with a glob of it.
You eat it and gain another 100 lbs.
You decide that this spell isn't worth the mess so you stop using it.
Days pass and your weight problem gets worse.
The immoral of the story: You lure your Dad into the garage with the promise of help with something and then glue his mouth shut with honey (Which you've sweetened to taste like peanut butter). Then you hide while he begs for his life.