You are Whoopi Goldberg. You are at a restaurant waiting for your blind date for Valentines Day when suddenly you see Tony, your ex-boyfriend and member of the AIPD, walk through the door. You start to worry about your date and if Tony will like you enough. You see that Tony is talking about the worst TV show ever: The Batman TV show from the 1960s. You make eye rolls at Tony.
"What's so funny?" Your date asks. "Tony has been telling me all week how much he loves this show."
you listen as your blind date goes on and on about 60's Batman. She tells you about how she used to watch it with her dad in the basement, and how they would play Super Friends games on their Game Boy.
> You are bored and order an double shot of bourbon.
You get a double shot of Gold Flake and drink it down. You feel the warm Kentucky blood vessels ooze out onto your throat.
Your blind date notices you are drunk and disorderly. "I think it's time to go." she says.
You get up, swaying slightly, and stumble out of the restaurant. You nearly fall into a tree but are saved by a friendly stranger.
You are helped up by Tony. "I was wondering if you had left," he says with a smile. "I apologize for my friend. He doesn't know how to have fun."
You get into the car and drive away.
as you drift in and out of lucidity you say "I can time any stop, bitch!" You notice a cop looking at you in your rearview mirror. You signal for him to pass but he doesn't.
You pull up to the side of the road. He walks up to your window.
You ask the officer, "What matters the seem Officer?"
He doesn't answer, instead he opens his passenger side door and points a taser at you. He puts the end of the taser against your temple and fires.
You and your blind date are in a holding cell together as you sober up. You apologize for your behavior and mention that you had seen your ex at the restaurant.
"Don't worry about it." Your date says. "I've dated a lot of guys that worked with me at the pizza place."
You hear a booming voice coming from above you.
Tony busts through the room from a helicopter. He reaches out for your hand and helps you stand.
"You aren't supposed to be able to manipulate space." You say "How did you get here?"
The AIPD takes a vote and decides that you are not worth executing.
You are escorted home and give Tony a kiss on the cheek for saving you.
The next day you go back to work and reconcile with your boyfriend.
Your The View co-hosts bring up your arrest on television, Whoopi Goldberg says "I'm sure that will be fine."
Valentines day comes and goes.
> You notice Tony sitting in the audience.
You see the AIPD Officer that approached you at the restaurant. He smiles and waves at you from the audience. You wave back, a little creeped out by the situation.
Your blind date begins speak, "I work with the bomb squad, we disarmed that bomb you were worried about last week."
The show goes to a break and you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
> You look in the bathroom mirror and think about your life as you take a drink from your flask of alcohol.
You see a man brought in on a gurney, strapped down and surrounded by FBI agents. "That's Calwin James," you think.
You say, "Hey, this is the women's bathroom!"
The man screams, "Get me the hell out of this tape!" as a group of medical personnel wheel him away.
You step into a stall and think about when you saw your sister for the last time.
> You sit on the toilet and let loose a Goldberg.
You check yourself in the mirror to see if you are leaking. You realize you are leaking in more than one way and it has been a long time since you had sex.
> You call Tony and your blind date backstage and ask them to plug the leak while lifting your skirt.
"You called," the stagehand says. He walks off, leaving you and your date to talk.
Your date asks, "Did that just come out of your butt?"
> You say "My frontbutt"
Your date looks confused as the sound man comes back with a mic and stands to the side.
You have three way sex live on the View in front of millions of American's. It is fantastic.
"We have to take this outside," you say and grab your date's hand.
You meet the stagehand who says, "Come on in the green room."
by the time your done its the white room.
You're standing in a room with your date.
"Your on TV!" he screams.
You look out into the green room and see the hosts, guest, and crew staring at you.
You win a daytime Emmy.
You get a call the next day from the man who came in for a date.
"Hi, I'm Calwin James."
The moral of the story: If you have two dicks, things can only get better.