You are Ben Greene, a quality control inspector at a candy hearts factory. Your boss has been cutting costs for years, and now the candy is made out of literal fucking garbage. No matter. Your job is to make sure the AI-generated phrases on the hearts aren't too weird. A random sampling has produced the following ten love phrases:
I'd rather be loved than liked. I want you to love me. Please love me. You're my only friend and I don't know why you don't like me! (You) can trust me. (You) will always be there for you. Love me forever. I'm yours forever. I'll never leave your side. We're in this together! You're so beautiful when you smile!
You approve this batch of candy hearts and slip in your own candy hear with a phrase you wrote that says:
I'm sorry I lied.
Your hands are steady as you place the candy in the boxes, which are then stapled shut and shipped out to customers around the country.
> You your boss calls you into his office.
You've been working for the company for a month now, and so far you've managed to keep your sanity by spending all your free time playing tetris on your company computer.
Your boss is holding your candy heart that you snuck into production and tells you that he absolutely cannot have you sending in anything that isn't real. You protests that the ones you sent in were real and that he simply doesn't understand the process as well as you.
Your boss reads you some of the twitter responses about your candy heart and tells you that he doesn't want to hear anymore excuses, you quit. You gather your things and leave, as he calls security to escort you out.
you go on to make your own brand of "Break-up candy hearts". They're always marked as not for sale, but given that you work in a break up factory, it's impossible to tell who's getting their hearts broken up and who isn't.
> You hire a relationship therapist to keep order in the break up factory.
You're not going to be able to run this factory without a certain level of order, so you approach your sister and ask if she'd mind giving marriage and relationship advice for hire.
Your sister agrees and she organizes an all company meeting to give relationship advice to the company. A large board is made and the company is split into two teams, with the top workers from each team.
Tony, a lonely guy who is holding you hostage because he gets "tonyzoned" to much, takes over the meeting.
He starts off by reminding everyone that the company will be making a lot of money in the next few months, so they should all be focused on that and not their love lives.
Your sister gives Tony relationship advice. He listens and takes notes. While she speaks, he is already generating potential jokes in his head.
Your mom gives marriage advice.
Tony leans in for a kiss with your sister and then tells a joke:
A man, a woman and an ugly dwarf are stranded on a desert island. Everyone is unhappy, so the first person to die wins a large sum of money. The ugly dwarf says "We all have to kill one another, so no one is the loser."
Who do you kill?
! Answer
You kill the ugly dwarf. The man kills the woman, sheds a few tears and then kills himself. The woman dies of blood loss, with her dying words being "You're a monster".
The crowd is stunned and then applauds. Your mom gives you a small smile, clearly proud of you.
Your sister gives you a look of surprise and you give a nod.
You hand over the company to Tony who turns it into a incel candy company with message like:
- You deserve girls who are pretty, not ugly ones.
- If you have a problem with a girl, go to therapy and learn how to communicate.
- It's better to be a chump working a thankless job than a dead man never having tried.
You take your sister out for dinner and celebrate.
At the restaurant you see Tony on a date with your Mom. They look pretty happy, but then again they have a lot to celebrate.
You walk back and forth between the two tables to taunt your Mom's new beau. Finally she snaps at him to leave.
The moral of the story: Kill your hostages quickly to avoid getting hurt.
Related