EP330 #3

Posted under EP330 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Darth Jar Jar a powerful force user. After acquiring an ancient Sith holocrone filled with B-Movie films about Jedi and Sith you are getting close to acquiring knowledge that will help you establish galactic empire. Your only obstacle - Yaddle the Misguided, Jedi Master and Sith Lord, who stands before you. As you about to ignite your lightsaber, Yaddle motions her hand in the air. Turning around you see that she is pulling nearby moon towards the planet. You are running out of options.

"I have been waiting for this moment my friend." She says as she raises her hands up into the air.
> You run at Yaddle but trip and fall over you long ears. You knock Yaddle down.
You grab Yaddle by the hair and pull her down. The two of you tumbling on the ground makes you feel like a small child who has just tripped over his older sister.
> You realize she is your sister.
You let go of her hair and half fall, half roll over onto the ground. "Yadda"
"Are you alright?" Yaddle helps you up as she asks.
Tony, a guy who thinks that Star Wars sucks a believes that the Sister Act movie franchise is far superior, fires are from giant robotic whoopi goldberg. "You are Jar-Jar Binks, a Gungan who thinks he's a Jedi but is really nothing but an idiot."
> You use your force powers to destroy Tony.
With a flick of your wrist you send the massive robotic head of the giant robot toppling over. The rest of the robot is too heavy to continue fighting and comes toppling down.
Your fight with Tony heats up as out of Mecha Whoopie pours hundreds of mini whoopie-bots. They are the size of medium-sized insects and fire out a cloud of poison darts which quickly immobilize you. "No, I did not just hear that these things were poisonous." You think to yourself.
You wake up in a prison cell next to Yaddle, who was also captured.  You see nunbot watching over you and ask why you have been taken prisoner. Before nunbot can answer she is killed by a poison dart. The poison is immediately effective and the robot walks over to you and unlocks the cell door.
"Quickly Jedi, this way!"
you turn the corner to see the voice came from a GONK droid. the GONK droid says "GONK!" in a cheerfully obnoxious manner.
"Why have you captured us?" You ask. "We are members of the Rebel Alliance."
The Gonk droid takes you in an escape pod directly to the secret rebel base. There you learn the Confederacy of the Unique is planning on using biological weapons created from captured Jedi. You hear that the Jedi have been altered in a way so they become aggressive and attack on sight.
> You tell them you want to become a biological weapon.
The scientists at first think you are joking, but then realize that he is actually serious. They take you to a large tank of mutated crab and elephant cells. You soon after you are exposed become the perfect mutant.
you level up and gain the following crab elephant powers:
+You can spit out a poisonous dart which is strong enough to kill a grown man.
You try to contact the GONk droid, but it seems to be missing.
> You notice Yadda is missing.
You see a large battle taking place between the Jedi and the some of the Sith apparently lead by Dooku.
> You betray the Jedi and reveal yourself as a Sith.
You try to climb out of the tank, but fail miserably. You then send out a wide range of pheromones from your body hoping to attract all the Jedi within a several block radius to the lab.
Instead you attract many spider crabs and swarm your crotch. This isexacerbated by two Jedi attempting to rescue you at the same time. You have no idea why they would both want to free the source of such pheromone.
as the crabs swarm you, you can feel yourself connecting with their minds. You command them to help you out of the tank. Soon you are wearing a living suit of crabs as you wade into battle. You easily defeat all the Jedi there and leave your suit of crab meat to feast on.
You quickly realize that fighting the Jedi has made you more powerful, but also exhausted you.
You use your remaining elephant strength to fight Count Dooku. The two of you fight on a bridge over a huge chasm. During the battle you start to fall, but you feel your anger strengthening and your willpower giving you the strength to hold on to the bridge.
> You hurl Gungan doo-doo at Dooku, blinding him.
You unleash a long stream of green waste, managing to hit Dooku right in the eyes. He is blinded, and soon you manage to hurl him off the bridge and into the chasm below.
You hear, "Gonk gonk" and see the GONK droid appear on the bridge.
"Hey, I have been trying to contact you! I am glad you are alive, Jedi were just entering the fray. What just happened?"
you scream" MEESA WIN!!!!!!!!!!"
"Huh, that seems like a strange thing to say after surviving a near death experience. Also it seems like you just helped me defeat the Sith...wait scratch that, you really did."
You realize the the Gonk droid is possessed by Palpatine.
After a few moments of confusion the droids exhibit a bright flash of light, and you are gone.
The moral of the story: Don't trust any robot you can't have a beer with.