You are Gregory, a guy who wants to get married despite not having a girlfriend. You buy a ring and walk around the city, while looking for somebody to marry. You look around and you see a beautiful blonde woman. You smile at her and wave. She waves back. You walk up to her and bend down on one knee. The blonde woman and her boyfriend stare at you in confusion.
"I'm sorry," you say. "But I don't have a girlfriend."
The girl's boyfriend looks at you like he doesn't understand what is going on.
> You say "You are my girlfriend now."
> You say "You are my girlfriend now."
The girl smiles.
"Okay," she says.
You take the girl's hand, and walk away with her.
> You ask the blonde woman "What is your name?"
"Lisa," the blonde woman says.
"I'm glad I met you," you say.
You walk away with Lisa, and soon, you are married with two children.
you get a visit from Jason, your dad who want's you to only marry a woman who hates birthdays. He is very disappointed you married Lisa. You explain you were just happy to marry somebody, but he says families must be together for ever and ever.
You turn thirty, then forty, then fifty, then sixty. You still don't have a girlfriend.
you go trolling for a girlfriend at the shuffleboard store. You look around, but there isn't a single girl there. You are about to leave when you realize the only person you know in this place is the stock boy, and he is barely speaking to you anymore.
> You try to chat up the stock boy and ask him about women.
As you walk up to the stock boy, he looks nervously at the floor. He is dropping various batteries and power cords to the floor as he sorts them.
You see the stock boy's arm and notice a unique birthmark that matches your own. This stock boy is your estranged son.
"What's your name?" you ask.
"Drew," he says.
"I'm your dad."
"I know," he says nervously.
you ask your new son "how do I get me a girlfriend?"
"You are a woman," he says.
"I know how to get a girlfriend?"
"Yeah..." he says, looking around as if to make sure no one is listening.
He tells you the secret to getting a girlfriend, and it involves the Catholic Church. He says if you go to confession, you will get a free pass on your sins. He says it is worth trying.
you have your sixty-first birthday.
You go on a year bender of sinning and then forgiving every Sunday.
"It has been so long since I have gone to confession," you think.
You decide to go now. You get in line and approach the priest.
> You give the priest your dirtiest confession ever.
"I'm sorry for being a whore."
"You do know that is a mortal sin, right?" the priest asks.
"It's been so long since I've gone, it's probably weeds."
You leave the church and sin one more time before being hit by a bus. You are at the gates of Heaven and feel pretty confident you'll get. You walk up and talk to St Peter.
"Peter, it's been a while. How have you been?"
"Can I see my sister?"
"No."
"Please?"
You are hit by another bus.
You wake up in Hell.
"I hope my soul can catch up with me."
You ask Satan for a favor.
"What do you want?"
"Can you please send my soul to after I die, instead of before."
Satan agrees and your soul is sent to the place where you died to observe your family grieving. You feel sorry and walk away before anyone notices you.
Your soul walks up to your son and daughter who see you.
"Dad?"
"Oh my God, it's Dad."
> You say "How's it going, kids?"
Your kids run up to hug their father, but he disappears. You try to follow them, but find your way blocked by invisible walls. You are unable to follow your children, and the walls appear to be closing in. You feel desperate. Your family leaves, and you are all alone.
You hear a crash and feel like the walls just shattered apart. You run and find your kids with an old man in a wheelchair.
You use your last ounce of soul strength to summon a one kilogram bottle of viagra for the old man in the wheelchair who takes it immediately.
"Thank you," says the old man as he begins to leave.
"Dad, who is that?" your daughter asks.
"I don't know, but let's ask him."
The moral of the story: If you have a dad who looks like an old man who just had both his kids stolen, give him a big c*ck."
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