EP327 #1

Posted under EP327 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Sanstar, after Dr. Weredrob refused your request to become a werewolf you killed him by cutting his throat with your Ultima knife. Taking the moonstone you escape from the underground laboratory and enter the sewers, but something looks different, suddenly you hear a voice from somewhere.
"You may have killed my clone, but you can't escape from this place, now I have turned it into a labyrinth full of traps and I have released some creatures, if you manage to escape, I will be waiting for you". you recognized the voice, it was Dr. Reindrob.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill you", you say.
You meet your friend Two-Face, your new second in command who craps his pants twice a day.
"What's going on? What happened?" he asks.
"We're trapped here, we need to get out of here!" you exclaim.
> You realize the sewer labyrinth is built to look like an Ikea.
"The sewers are in an Ikea, why don't we just go into an Ikea and escape that way?" you say.
"Very good, you've solved it, let's get out of here."
You realize that you overestimated your ability to escape an Ikea and you have been walking around for 3 days with no sign of an exit. You can hear Dr. Reindrob laughing outside the lab.
Two-Face suggests leaving a trail of turd nuggets to mark our path. He hands you a fresh handful.
"No, I really don't think we should be doing this" you say.
"Don't be so fucking subserviant, no-one's cleaning up your mess!"
You see a small monster scurry around the corner and Two-Face pats his gun.
"You never know when someone might be lying hidden in wait to attack you, I suggest you shit as much as you can" he says.
You finally are face to face with the small monster and it looks like a cross between a rat and a goblin.
"What the hell is that?" you ask.
"That, little one, is a spyleaf." Two-Face says.
> You say "What is a spyleaf?"
"A spyleaf is the result of a spriggan mating with a goblin." Two-Face explains.
You ask "What is a spriggan?"
"A spriggan is a fairie folk that lives in the trees."
"Oh, OK."
"We'll leave a trail of these beasties behind us, they're great markers."
Two-Face begins eating, then crapping out spyleafs to mark the path.
"Keep up the good work, you're tracking really well." You say.
"Just doing what needs to be done."
You reach a large clearing that you hope is the entrance way and see a large creature blocking the entrance.  The large scary creature looks to be part deer, part cat and part goblin.
"That seems pretty determined to stop us from getting in." You say.
"Indeed." Two-Face says, loading his gun.
You attempt to sneak past the creature and escape the Ikea.
"Now what?" you ask.
"Now you either shit your pants or shoot the deer."
> You choose both.
You shoot your gun and the bullet harmlessly passes through the creatures head. It charges at you, knocking you to the ground and begins biting into your arm.
you reach for the only weapon you have left, some of two-faces turds, and jam them in the deers mouth.
"GET IT OFFF!" two-faces yells.
The deer leaves your arm and you both quickly run into the place.
You quickly run for your life and are lost again.  You feel your stomach rumble and decide to find your way to the horse meatball stockpile.
You find the correct way, but by now you have lost a good chunk of blood. You stuff your face with meatballs and feel your strength slowly coming back.
you arm yourself with kitchen equipment and make another attempt at fighting the deer monster. You succeed in beating the monster on the head with a pan and stab it in the neck with a wooden spoon. You then hack off its legs and beat it to death with the wooden spoon.
You hear reindrob's voice in a loudspeaker say "Congratulations" and show a green arrow on the map. Some of the other group members are making comments about how you got a "fastest kill in team".
"Let's go"
you emerge from the Ikea triumphant, but you lost a piece of yourself in those endless halls.
You've had enough of this place.
You join the rest of the survivors in the stadium for the concert of the DeadBeat Zit- stations.
The moral of the story: Not all those that wander are lost.