EP324 #1

Posted under EP324 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Crumple Foreskin, a goblin living in a giant forest. You like stabbing things and chewing on rocks to make your teeth sharper. The other goblins make fun of you on a regular basis because one of your eyes is much bigger than the other. Because of this you have no friends, other than the magic people you see when you eat the glowing green mushrooms from snag rock cave. One day while hobbling through the forest you spot something glistening in the grass bellow. It looks like a small child, but it's not human.

It's a woman! A beautiful woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes that sparkle.
> You quickly hide your ugly eye.
The woman sees you and screams. She runs away screaming, but she doesn't get far before you catch her by the hand and drag her back to where you were hiding.

"What happened?"
you ask the woman if she's hungry as you hand her a green mushroom.
"I don't know, I was walking along the path in the forest and then I was attacked by something!"
"Where were you walking from?"
You are then interrupted by Jason, a guy who thinks his friend Jim is evil just because he's bald. He doesn't like your big eye.
"Shut up Jason!"
"You shut up!"
"Fine, both of you shut up!" the woman screams. "Why were you screaming?" she asks you.
Jason says, "I overheard the monster you were talking about, it just attacked me and stole all mah butter."
The woman shakes her head at the stupidity of some people. She then looks back at you.
"I was talking to this really ugly, dirty, muscular beast man and he dragged me into this cave!"
you say "Muscular? you're pouring honey in my ears maiden."
The woman seems to think about that for a second.
"I guess you're right, but don't take that the wrong way. I'm sorry if I insulted you."
> You and Jason drag the woman to a safer location.
You grab the woman by the hand and start walking towards a clearing.
"Hey, what are you doing?" she asks.
You say "You should be safe enough, we are in a large clearing."
You are immediately attack in the middle of the large clearing by the muscular beast man. You are barely able to defend yourself and quickly gave the woman to flee.
"I'll hold him off while you escape!" you yell before being run through by a sword.
You look at the monster and recognize him as... "Dad?"
You are transported back in time to your childhood. You are running through the forest, away from your "father". You trip and fall, but are saved from serious injury by a big hand.
The big hand is your father's. He tells you to get up, which you do.
"Son, I am proud to say that I am your father."
You are in awe of this beast that is yelling at you.
"Are you OK?"
> You say "Father?  Why have you stabbed me?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there, I've had that tooth since I was a boy!"
It's at this point your father breaks into laughter as you stand there horrified.
> You your Goblin powers heal your wound and Jason cries butter tears of joy and fear.
Your father ends up giving you some more advice. "Go now son, and don't look back. You are the chosen one. There is someone you must rescue."
You nod and say "I understand".
your father gifts you his tooth sword as you run off to rescue the beautiful maiden.
You and your Dad are really close. You always were since the Mom left, well not exactly left, but she hasn't been in contact with you for a few months now.
You and Jason catch up with the beautiful woman and drag her along the path to the village, it doesn't take long before you are attacked by Goblins!
"Ha ha! Almost worked. Goblin scum."
You look at the woman and attempt to save her.
The goblins nearly overwhelm you, but the sword slices through them like paper.
"Who the hell are you?"
You are taken aback. "I am a humble hero sent to rescue you."
She doesn't look convinced.
You tell her all about the prophecy and how you are the chosen one whose mission it is to save her.
"Seems like a pretty dodgy criteria."
You realize you need to explain a little more.
"It's like this my beautiful damsel, there are evil wizards who want to take over the world."
The beautiful woman says, "Quit mansplaining it to me."
You look a little hurt by her words, but go on.
The damsel says, "There's nothing wrong with wanting to save the world from evil. I would do it for anyone."
> You reveal your giant eyeball.
The woman screams as she is revealed to be some kind of freak which allows you to rip off her mask revealing her true form.
Giggling the ugly woman reveals herself "You're not the chosen one.
You get married to the ugly women and have ugly kids in an ugly home in the swamp.
One day your village is attacked by a large Griffin.
You become nervous and hide with your wife and children.
"It's OK, it's just Griffin." Your father-in-law says.
The moral of the story: Never trust a griffin.