EP323 #3

Posted under EP323 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Louisiana Johnson a daring archeologist, adventurer and lover. You've been on a hunt for ancient treasures all around the world, but your every attempt falls short of success to some other more popular archeologist adventurer. Your last chance to prove yourself is to obtain the Sacred Bronze Spoon of the Incan King Pachacuti. Armed with a short whip and a trilby hat you travel to the airport, only to meet your rival archeologist. 

"I'm not going!" he says. "The plane ride would be too long."

"Why?" you ask. "It's just an airplane flight, it won't take that much time."
You act bummed out, but you are actually ecstatic.  You board the plane and are shocked to see you are joined by your estranged father, played by Sean Connery. He looks at you as if he wants to say something, but doesn't. The plane takes off and lands in a remote part of the country where you find yourself surrounded by mountains.
> You take rickety old bus to the excavation site.
The bus ride is brutal. The wind blows and the sun beats down upon you. You reach the ancient ruins and look at the impressive structures that were obviously built with great care.
> You and your father look for the secret entrance to the ancient pyramid.
You stand before the pyramids, hundreds of them, and are surrounded by the desert. The two of you walk along the base of the pyramid, but there is no sign of a secret door or tunnel.
you find some strange heiroglyphics on the side on the pyramid and begin to decipher them. The heirogleyphics lead to a trapdoor in the ground. It is locked with a large metal keyhole.
You walk over to the pyramid and pick up a crudely made metal detector.
Your friend Tony, who is only traveling with you because he is attracted to you, yawns when you talk about your work.
The metal detector beeps as you move it over the side of the pyramid to the keyhole.
"I think I found it," you say.
"Great!" your dad says.
> You and your father search for the key.
You shine the flashlight down the keyhole and onto the metal key, which has seen better days. The key hasn't been used in years, the metal is rusted through. The key is too big to fit.
> You shoot the keyhole with your gun.
The bullet smashes through the keyhole and into the pyramid wall, leaving a large divot in the stone.
"Fuck," you grunt.
"Let's keep looking," your father says, disappointed.
You turn around dejected and defeated until you feel the ground shake and the pyramid door starts to open.  You and your father enter and are astounded to see a massive stone passageway.
"This is amazing!" your dad says, awed. "The ancient Incans could freaking build some good masonry."
> You see a large statue and the eyes begin to glow red.
You shine your flashlight down the passageway and see a large stone statue. The statue is wearing an old-fashioned toreador's suit and clutching a crossed estoc and lanzallera in his hand.
you see another estoc on the ground and as you pick it up the statue comes to life. The statue swivels around and charges down the passageway at you. You raise your own weapon and swing. The tip sinks into the statue's chest and it stops moving.
The statue starts beeping and lights up.
"What in the world?" your father says, stepping back.
You shine your light on the statue and see that it is a voting machine.
you cast your vote and an ancient "I voted" sticker comes out of the statue.
You look closer at the machine and see that it is heavily damaged and broken. You notice something else: a small red button below the voting screen.
"Hey," you say.
Your father doesn't respond.
You press the button and the ancient spoon is dispensed.  Your father yells, "You idiot!  I was trying to warn you-" and then you see a giant rolling out of the passageway behind him.
Your dad hits the stone statue on the head with his gun and it topples over. The rolling stone blocks your father's path. He runs back toward you.
the pyramid rumbles as a voice says "voting is over. The polls have closed." The pyramid begins to crumble around you. you grab the sticker and run. The walls of the passageway begin to collapse.
"Come on! We have to get out of here!" your father yells.
A large stone slab falls on your father and crushes him.
You tell yourself, "Save yourself!" and run down the passageway, out of the ruins of the Incan pyramid. You dive into the chamber with the giant statue in it.
you hide under the ruins of the giant statue as the pyramid crumbles. A day passes until you are rescued by tourists. As you lie in the hospital, you think about your father and how he died to save you. You feel a great loss, but you are alive.

1. If a voting machine charges you five cents to vote, how much would the key to open up the pyramid cost?
2. Why do you think the voting machine became animate?
3. Where is the key to the pyramid?
4. What object saved you from dying in the Incan ruins?

"I love this country!" an American tourist exclaims. "They should teach this in school!"
The moral of the story: sometimes, voting is more important than winning.