EP322 #3

Posted under EP322 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Billy, an intern tasked with making crappy YouTube videos. You work for a popular videomaking company that spits out clickbaity Top 10 lists every day. There are so many of such top 10 videos, that you start to run out of ideas for the lists. You start your latest Top 10 list, A Top 10 Dangerous Cults, which are:

1) The Church Of Satan (Satanists)

2) The Family of Belial (Believers in Hell and Demonic Possession)

3) The Temple of Set (A group dedicated to the worship of the Dark Gods)

4) The Order of Dagon (The followers of a god who has been described as "a being from another dimension" or "the embodiment of chaos" or some shit)

5) The Church of the Broken God (A religion based on the teachings of Aleister Crowley, who was a famous occultist and founder of the infamous sex cult known as The Ordo Templi Orientis)

6) The Chaos God (Nobody knows who this is, it could be anybody)
7) The Dark Gods (Who even know what these are! They are not Neroth, they are not even Dorna, you think? The closest you can get to describe them is The Ones Who Created Scholomance)

8) The Xi Hive (A gigantic insectoid species that invaded the galaxy and successfully assimilated all those they conquered, to the point where their culture, species, and individuality is no longer known. All that is known of them is their Hive Mind and their designation as Xi)

You go through some more lists, but soon you realize that you've run out of things to say.
In an act of desperation, you risk your journalistic integrity and make up two cults:
9) Stinky Pinkies (In the They Live film, one of the cults that is opposed is the Nots, who are led by a girl named Miss Lucy. They wear gas masks that turn people into mush, but they are good, honest people who want the stranglehold on the planet to end. Their opposite are the One-Ticks, who have turned into a parody of the Church of Scientology. The One-Ticks want to turn the world into a giant pit of Fighting Type.
To your surprise, the Stinky Pinkies and the One-Ticks become actual cults. You begin to make a note that these cults should be your next targets)
It's about this time that you realize: you're spending all of your time in the basement. You need more sources for your articles.
you want to get the inside scoop on the Stinky Pinkies so you infiltrate one of their meetings.
Of course, the first thing you learn is that this group of Stinky Pinkies are a complete bunch of morons.
> You convince the stinky pinky's to make you their new leader.
Oddly enough, the group does not see you as a threat and sees your youth and willingness to help them against the powerful eternals as a sign of good leadership.
you describe your plan to your followers on how to stop the eternals when they come. You tell them that they need to hide and wait until nightfall when they will attack the eternals from behind, then escape through a secret tunnel in the basement.
You surprise them and do the Stinky Pinky finisher. You grab an eternal around the neck and break his neck, a choke-hold. This seems to please them, as they begin calling you "Choke-man."
at the next meeting of the Stinky Pinkys you are surprised to see hundreds of new followers. They chant "Choke man!" and begin pushing forward, chanting "Here's to Choke man! The best around!"
You smile, realizing what a excellent finisher you are.
A voice from the crowd yells out "The article was a lie!" The crowd goes silent for a moment. Then, the voice comes back with a taunting tone. "Nah, eh!" the voice calls out.
> You confess the article was a lie.
Everyone seems surprised, but you know that you've just given away your entire infiltration. You apologize and quickly explain that the article was a lie, made up by the PR department of the newspaper.
> You confess the article was a lie.
You explain that the only thing you've done was read all of the PR pamphlets that they've been shoving in your face and then come up with a plan to help them.
you incite the cult into taking out their frustration on the newspaper. They break windows with ease and even burn the building down. You watch from the rooftop as the fire takes hold and lights up the night sky, bright enough to be seen clearly in the middle of the night.
You go into hiding and continue to see the Stinky Pinkies grow in number.  You continue to do interviews confessing the cult was made up, but it only spreads the word of the Stinky Pinkies faster. Soon, the cult is covered in publicity and has a large underground following.
Happy with your work, the government decides that the Stinky Pinkies aren't a threat and propaganda is stopped.
The government gives you a wink and extends a single pinky. You grab it, and the two of you shake on the deal.
Then, the FBI knocks on your door. They take you into custody, because they want to use you as an informant.
> You enter witness protection. The FBI assigns you a job: Making Top 10 videos for YouTube.
The FBI is wary of you, but they see your potential. They set you up with a nice house in a nice area, and give you a job working as an intern for a popular news company.
You look at the sign and it says "Watch Mojo" out front, which is the name of the company. Weird.
You shrug and go inside.
The company has a lot of fun tech gadgets and expensive electronics.
The moral of the story: If you want to make a killing on the stock market, write an expose about a cult that is led by a seven year old boy.