You are Kimmy Badgurl, a deceased female crime lord forever burning in hell. The Devil has really gotten into the Christmas spirit, and has decided to brighten the mood... but he's not very good at it. He organizes a speed dating night for all the worst sinners in history. Attendance is mandatory. You're one of them. "I'm sorry," you say. "But I can't." The Devil laughs. "Well, that's too bad! It would have been fun!" you go to sleep on your bed of nails, and wake up at the speed dating night with your first date, Richard Nixon, who by some Clerical Mistake Has been sent to Hell instead of his True Destination Heaven. You don't know why you went to this event, but it was a nice change from the usual crime boss parties. Richard Nixon asks you out on a second date. He's not exactly what you expected. You talk about politics for a while and discover that you have quite a lot in common with him, especially since he hated the media too for what they wrote about him. > You flick your hair and continue to flirt. The Devil leads you to the door of his office, and you exit the building. Your mother is waiting for you on a bench outside. > You flick your hair and continue to flirt. "What happened to you?" your mother asks. "You have lost weight, and you look very tired. Are you alright?" Well this is a nice change from when she ignored your problems. you introduce your mom to Richard. Richard lets out a jowly "hello madam" in an accent that's not American, before turning to you. "We should head to the bar," he says. "The bar's cheaper than the restaurant." You laugh. "Of course!" You order some chicken tendies and hot mustard at the Hell Bar and you actually receive: A chicken tender and a bowl of scorched hot mustard. You ask to see the manager, and Satan walks out. He is not amused. He grabs both your and Richard's hands and throws you into the Lake of Fire. You swim to the surface and crawl out, looking for your mother. She is gone. You stand up and head to the door. > You take Richard by the hand and reveal your deepest secret. You walk into the office and sit down on the chair in front of Satan's desk. "I'm here to confess my love," you say. "Well, that's very pretty," he smiles. You attempt to get approval from Satan to have sex with Richard Nixon. While you're confiding in him, you see your mother walk in, struggling under the weight of a grocery bag. "I have lasagna," she mumbles. You already know what you'll do. "I'll finish confessing my love to you, and then we can go home," you say to Satan. You continue with your story. "I want you to find it in your heart to give me permission. If you do, I'll have my boyfriend Richard come over, please!" Satan takes some cocaine from a drawer and snorts it. Satan gives permission to have sex with Richard but he has several requirements. "No. Evil. Only," he says. You agree, and head home with your mother. The next day you walk into school with a newfound confidence in yourself. You have sex with Richard in the teacher's lounge. You have sex with Richard in the teacher's lounge. It is clumsy, but fairly entertaining. After, you realize that you have a genital rash. The Devil gave you something before he had you have sex with Richard, and your body is reacting terribly to it. You have sex with your mother's boyfriend, who is also named Richard, in the family kitchen. Your inner demons are starting to get out of control. It's time to go deeper. The moral of the story: Stop having sex with a politician and a criminal.