EP320 #2

Posted under EP320 #2, Story On By Chief

You are Billy Evans, a Martial Arts Student who has devoted his whole life to Toe-Fu.  The only move he needs to learn know is the infamous "Toe Crane Kick" which was popularized in the 80s movie "Toe-Fu Kid".

You sit at your desk and try to remember if you ever saw this movie before.
You thought you had seen the movie before, but actually what you remember seeing was Billy Blanks in a Taebo video.  

You open up your computer and search for the movie, but unfortunately it seems that no one has ever made a copy of it. You wonder if you could make a DVD or something similar out of it?
> You decide to make your own version of the movie in your backyard.
You find a copy of the "Toe-Fu Kid" on Youtube, but unfortunately it is in horrible quality.
However, you notice that instead of making his moves look graceful, they look robotical and inhuman.
You run into Mr Miyatoe at comic con later that day and challenge him to a real Toe-Fu fight.
He accepts, but asks that you come to his house to practice instead. You agree, and go over to his house the next day.
You decide that it would be too embarrassing to lose so you decide to cheat by taking a Mario Invincibility Star which has been engineered to last forever when consumed.
You take two, and as soon as Mr. Miyatoe takes one step toward you, you put one of the stars in your mouth and chew on the other one.
Mr Miyatoe throw a flurry of full power punches your way, but you are not affected and even yawn during his onslaught of punches.  You stick out your baby toe and instantly knock him out.
You make a triumphant victory scream and then collapse from fatigue.
Mr. Miyatoe's wife comes out of her house and yells at you for giving her deceased husband a concussion before calling the police on you.
you try to console Mr. Miyatoe's wife with a hug, but the star is too strong and you paralyze her. She screams and you hear a police siren getting closer.
You take the star out of your mouth and realize you have done something horrible.
Your regrets are short lived though, as you hear the police swarming the house and guns are drawn.
You are so nervous when you see the guns drawn that you accidentally swallow the invincibility star.
You turn to run, but every bone in your body aches and you feel like a truck ran over you.
you run from the police by jumping the fence and leap so hard you clear the fence and fly over the power lines.
You fall into a tree and that's the last thing you remember before passing out.
The next day when you wake up, you find yourself in your backyard.
You look down and see your toes covered in blood and think to yourself "Oh no, what have I done?"
You head into your house and notice all of your family is dead. Your Mom is lying in her bed, she didn't suffer that long.
you need to get rid of this invincibility and remember the tale of an old Italian hermit who may know how to help you. You start your pilgrimage.
Along the way you make a detour to "Tommotts Tamale Stand" and eat a corn tamale that has been marked "superior" by the old man who runs the stand.
as you eat the tamale and can feel it battling the invincibility star in your guts. you bend over and blast away the tamale stand with an invincible fart.
"I'm back kid. (cough cough) Looked like you were having fun while you could, but there are some things you just can't ignore."
You and look see who is talking to you and you turn around to see it's a me-Mario.
"What?" You say.
"You're the one with the power to destroy the star right? Well it seems that you also destroyed my house."
"Sorry, I didn't know you lived here."
You feel a pain in your guts as you begin to pass the star out of your ass.
"Yeah well, the owner of this place could never keep up with all the renovations I have to make to accommodate my... Unique Body Parts."
"You've Got A Lot Of Inviting Parts..."
you compliment Mario Toad Toes. He is so intimidated he starts crying.
"Thanks, but now I need your help. The police are on their way here and they're gonna be looking for the star."
"Do we have to? Can't we just say it was a robbery and they won't check the place?"
You think for a moment.
"Nah, we can't do that.
You take Mario's hand and run off into the sunset leaving a trail of shit and star pieces in your wake.
You've been running for about an hour when you finally come to an agreement.
"Alright, we need to find a secluded place where we can hide out for a while. I know, how about that old castle in the hills?"
"What, you mean like where the Count lives?"
The moral of the story: Don't eat tamales beforehand. The old man at the stand would have been Mario's grandfather.