EP318 #1

Posted under EP318 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Sean, a guy who is excited about New Years. You buy fireworks and light them. The fireworks go into the air before landing on a brand-new spaceship. The fireworks make the spaceship explode. Thankfully, nobody was inside the spaceship, but the inventors of the spaceship are furious. They take your money and then they burn you alive in a fire pit.
> You miraculously, you are unharmed by the fire. Everyone is astounded.
"How did you survive?" one person asks. "I mean, how'd you get out of that thing? It's pretty hot."
as you walk out of the flames, all of the fireworks in your pockets go off and assail the people who burned you.
"Is that guy on drugs or something?" one man asks.
"What the fuck is this?"
Your alien nature is now known, and you are quickly taken into custody by the United States military.
You are probed by the United States military for knowledge of the alien threat. You explain that the alien threat is real, but unimportant. There are four major alien races currently active on Earth. The fourth race is the only one worth considering, but the military doesn't have enough information about the other races to worry about.
You look at wall and see a list of the four races (according to the US Government):
Gargoyles: Your closest known enemy. You've never encountered them, but you know that they are the only ones on the list that are capable of going from planet to planet destroying everything in their path. They are also the only ones on the list that have a strong enough presence to warrant concern from the US Government.
you mention to the US government the one weakness of the Gargoyle: their wings. If a Gargoyle's wings are destroyed, they are incapable of flight. The US government decides to research methods of destroying Gargoyle wings.
you devise 10 pro-tips for fighting Gargoyles:
-Don't go out at night. Their vision is much clearer at night, and they can easily spot you.
-Don't stand still. Always run or move. If you can't run, hide.
-Try not to make any loud noises.
-If possible, try to always travel in a group. The more people there are, the harder it is to kill all of them.
-If you see a Gargoyle, look at it dead in the eye and only look away if it attempts to kill you quickly. Try to always have a weapon ready in case it charges at you.
-If you see a Gargoyle corpse, look away as fast as you can. Their bodies are very poisonous.
-If a Gargoyle starts throwing gargoyle gargoyles at you, don't be afraid to throw some back.
-If you ever get the chance, gargoyles love and prefer fresh human flesh.
The US Government takes your advice and begins their plan to kill the Gargoyles.
The government has a top assassin, Jason,The Biggest threat to Humanity due to his Negative Feelings towards Birthdays and His addiction to Popcorn Butter. Jason goes over the plan with you:
You are to go to New York. You are given a fake Interpol ID and told to go to the United States Embassy. There, you will get a "clean" fake passport and be given instructions for your mission.
You board a plane to New York, and sit beside a window seat so that you can get a good view of the world once you leave the plane.
You look out the wing of the plane and see a gargoyle messing with the engine.  You call a flight over and point out, but the gargoyle is not there. You decide to head to the bathroom and get a soda.
On your way back to your seat, you see the gargoyle again.
> You stare at the gargoyle's eyes.
You find that looking into its eyes is very effective at calming you. You decide to use it as a distraction while you wait for the plane to take off.
You use the emergency, slide down the inflatable slide, and start running around the tarmac looking to see if you can find the gargoyle.  Airport security chases after you the whole time. You only stop to kick a ball against the wall and run into an abandoned gift shop. You hide in some boxes and panting.
> You hear the gargoyle enter the room.
You gasp loudly and jump out of the boxes. You turn around and see the door of the gift shop. The gargoyle walks towards you.
you rush through the door to the gift shop and yell "BOMB!" as you point at the gargoyle.
The bomb is so big that it destroys everything in a 50-ft. radius. The gargoyle falls to the floor and shatters into tiny pieces.
After months of reconstructive surgery, you are finally back to good health and hailed a hero for stopping the gargoyle. You get a huge check from the gargoyles' insurance and move to Washington to live with your sister.
The moral of the story: Don't panic, it only makes you look stupid.