EP316 #1

Posted under EP316 #1, Story On By Chief

You are Christopher Wistopher, the philosopher who coined the phrase "when in doubt whip it out." One day after a heated debate about the ethics of penis inspection day with your good friend and rival, Dan Aykroyd, a sudden loud blast could be heard from your backyard. you quickly run outside to find an enormous crater where your prized wooden statue of the eighth president of the united states, Martin Van Buren, once stood. There's something in the middle of the crater, its head completely engulfed by flames. It looks like a giant dick.

The next morning you wake up to the news that President Van Buren has been assassinated.
you get a visit from the FBI who ask you to make wooden statues of their most wanted. You decline as you don't want to become a symbol for all criminals. They also tell you they can trace the explosion back to a nearby nuclear power plant.
As you head to the wood supply store to create a new wooden statue for a client, you see all of the FBI's most wanted looking at hammers and nails.
You smile and begin to wonder if you'll ever live normal life again.
> You quickly carve a warning note and slip it to the store clerk.
You make one of the wooden presidential statues your fake ID.
Agent Jack ReinDr0b, CIA agent who is known for creating wild and wacky gadgets, sees your fake ID and is impressed with your craftsmanship.  Jack asks you to join him on his next mission: to assassinate the current Indonesian president and blame it on the Chinese. The Indonesian government is known to be lenient on its citizens, particularly its Chinese population, who are mostly long time residents. You quickly agree.
> You sail to Indonesia on a ship you carved yourself.
You board the Jearl Baker, an old fishing boat rigged with two cannons in an attempt to intimidate any pirates that might be prowling the area.
You dock in Jakarta and when officers ask you for your information you show them your fake passports carved out wood.  They are none the wiser and you are allowed passage into the country. You're dropped off in a dingy Indonesian district where you catch a public bus and eventually a taxi to your destination, the home of your contact, a man named Mr. Han.
When you arrive at Mr. Han's home, you find a bunch of other men there who are also working for the FBI.
Mr. Han tells you to come in and states that everything is set up. The next day he will be letting the prisoner escape. You sit there, wondering how the hell you landed yourself in this situation.
The prisoner is none other than famous opposition leader, Wafik Sankur, a man who you actually know quite well as his brother-in law. He is accused of masterminding an attack that killed a lot of people in Syria.
Mr. Han gives you the security codes to the presidential palace and a map of a secret tunnel leading into the building.  The next day, he states that the prisoner will be let out any minute. You better get prepared for an escape attempt.
You sit in a room waiting for the prisoner to be let out.
You wait and manage to break him out and hop in a cab headed directly for the presidential palace.  You get out and enter through the staff entrance where you are immediately intercepted by the head chef.  You show him your fake wood IDs and while he is still suspicious, he lets you in.
You search the palace for the security room. Luckily, Mr. Han told you where to find it though he wasn't sure if it had actually been used for anything other than storage.
> You find the security room. There is nothing in there except for exceptional blocks of carving wood.
You head to the security room and come across two men who are definitely military. One has a large nose and thinning hair while the other is bald with a goatee.
You do a double take and you'd recognize that big nose anywhere: it is the President of Indonesia in disguise.  You seize the opportunity and lunge at him with your wooden dagger. You stab him repeatedly and the man goes down in pain, but he manages to shoot you twice before dying.
The other man shoots you in the throat and you go down in a gurgling heap.
you plug the throat hole with a wooden cork, and stab the guard.
You collapse in a pool of your own blood and die, but not before writing the following message in blood on the security room door:
"Against tyranny, you must be brutal. against evil, you must be merciless. if you have to, sacrifice freedom to survive."
The moral of the story: even the most powerful leaders must sometimes listen to their inner demons.