EP315 #3

Posted under EP315 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Paul, a man with a crippling addiction to eating snow. Due to relocation of the company where you work, you was forced to move from your home state of Oregon to Florida, where it rarely snows. After a week of no snow consumption you feel serious withdrawal. You can't live without snow and artificial substitutes like ice and ice-cream can't replicate the texture and taste of a natural snow.

Your boss tells you that he needs to see you immediately, as he has found some sort of secret tunnel leading out of the factory. He says that if you go down there, you will be able to find a place in the new company headquarters. The only problem is, this tunnel leads into an abandoned mine shaft which contains dangerous radioactive elements.
> You enter the tunnel and discover it is cold and filled with snow.
You decide to enter the tunnel, and shiver in the cold and snow. You get ankle deep snow on you, and the temperature seems to drop even colder
"Look, that's a body," someone says.
You look at the body and notice a nametag that says: "Mason".
"Must have fallen and died," you think.
Tracks of large clawed feet can be seen in the snow alongside the body.
"Hey, check out the claws on this guy!"
> You venture further down the tunnel.
You walk further down the tunnel, trying not to slip and fall down the embankment. Eventually you come across a tunnel which splits in three directions.
"I wonder which way houses the supplies?" you think.
You ask Jason, your co-worker who is addicted to eating sticks of butter, "How do I get to my new desk?"
He points in each direction, and mumbles "I think that's it", before quickly eating a stick of butter.
you thank Jason for the directions and head down the indicated path. You come to a fork in the path, with paper notes and pamphlets indicating which way to go. You notice a small lab coat hanging on a hook near the path.
you rummage through the lab coats pockets and find:
-A keycard.
-Driving directions.
You notice a lot of old mine shafts in this part of the forest, so you decide to follow the driving directions, and let fate take the lead.
you walk through the forest and gather the 10 best flavors of snow:
Sugar-free ginger,
Strawberry,
Peach,
Mint,
Blueberry,
Cherry,
Coconut,
and Pumpkin.
You notice the ginger is decent, but that the others are terrible. You decide to ration them out.
You continue on, and it starts to get colder.
You reach the end of the tunnel and find a metal door, with an intercom and several security measures. You try to remember what you were taught about this.
You tap the wood three times.
You see they keypad and try the combination "6969"
The door clicks unlocked.
"That's it!" you think. You press down the button and the door opens. Beyond is a new world.
the new world resembles a cubicle farm with rows of dead faced employees.
"What the fuck am I getting myself into?" you think.
You pick one of the faces up and examine it. It seems real enough, but you're not sure.
> You pinch the face to see if it is alive.
You pinch the face and it wakes up with a start.
"What...?" it asks.
"Sorry."
You drop the face and continue on.
you find an empty desk with a note with "Paul" written on it. You sit down and open the note.
There's a box of donuts with a note attached.
You open the note and discover there are 8 donuts in the bottom of the box.
You read the note, it's from your new boss, and it says:
8 donuts, 8 hours of work, no breaks, no talking, come back hanlded.
You open the first donut and discover it's a fake donut with toothpicks inside.
You sit at your desk and the stare the clock.  "Nah fuck this!" and you sprint out of the hellish cube and roll around in the underground snow.
You come back to an hour later with 8 donuts in your mouth. You drop them into the trash and notice a new option: "beer".
You select it and feel a rush of endorphins.
The moral of the story:
Don't take no for an answer.
The moral of the story is:
Only eat snow if you're in a hurry.