EP314 #3

Posted under EP314 #3, Story On By Chief

You are a lost wolf. Raised by humans in New York. It is time to mate.
The pack leader looks at you and then the other wolves, who all look back at you with interest. You can see that they want to know what this means for them.
> You begin the  wolf mating ritual.
You stand up from your spot on the ground and walk over to the nearest tree. The rest of the pack follows close behind you. As soon as you get within reach of one, another joins you.
> You mark your territory, bare your scurvy-infected gums, then you assert your dominance.
You bare your teeth and begin to hack and slash at the nearest tree, breaking off chunks of bark and falling leaves. The other wolves gather around you, observing your actions.
> You turn around and present your essence to the female wolves, but see they have been scared off by Wolfheart Jim who is a human guy who is attracted to wolves after seeing some films.
You're too tired to chase the females, so you collapse face-first on the ground and sleep.
Behold the glory that is a lazy Saturday afternoon nap.
you wake up to Jim hovering over you. Jim says "you're a pretty cool wolf" as he helps you up.
You go back to your seat and wait for the movie to start.
The movie is mediocre at best, but you don't really care.
You say, "I don't really get it, you like this movie Alpha and Omega?  I prefer Dances With Wolves."
Jim wakes up from his nap and says "I don't get it either. It's about a wolf and a bear that become friends."
You reply, "That sounds really boring" as you sit down.
> You decide to find a bear and make friends with it.
You go over to the next row and see a group of bears. They look like they are having a great time, so you decide that maybe a bear would be better than a wolf.
You sit down and try to fit in by telling the best bear joke you've ever heard:
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are climbing a mountain. It starts to snow, so the rabbi says that God must be snowing. The priest says that man must be driving the snow plows. The atheist says that is ridiculous, and starts to run up the mountain. The other two are worried about the snow, so they start to yell at the atheist to come back. The snowplows stop, and the entire city is in danger of being snowed in. Who is the atheist?
You hear a bunch of groans from the other wolves.
You look at the bears and see how the react. They are all cheering for you.
You think to yourself " These furry little bastards must be the arrogant ones."
You go back and tell the other wolves that they don't know shit about being cool.
You see one of the pretty female bears is giving you a sexy look while her fraternal twin is making scary faces at you. This is turning out to be way more fun than you expected.
> You invite the bear back to your den.
The female bear nods her head and says "I agree, bears are the best."
You turn to the male bear and ask "so are you coming back to my den with me?"
The other bear shakes his head and you are all alone with Bearlinda in your den.
You talk with Bearlinda for a while and find out that she is originally from Alaska, so you talk about that for a couple of minutes.
> You say "Do you want to make out?"
She smiles and nods her head slowly while licking her lips.
You pull Bearlinda towards you and the two of you embrace in a passionate kiss in the middle of the den.
Bearlinda pours honey all over herself and says "you gotta lick it off" as she begins to lick it off.
You and her spend the rest of the weekend in your den, as it starts to bark at night.
You realize that your wolf pack friends followed you home and are watching you make moves on Bearlinda. It doesn't bother you and Bearlinda are having a blast, but you feel the need to explain yourself.
> You admit you were raised by humans.
"Hey guys, before you start, allow me to explain"
You begin to explain how you grew up in human culture and were always taught to find a mate.
You suddenly hear a truck pull up and you see  Jason, who has offended The Bears with his Bear impression, get out and walk in the cave to personally apologize to Bearlinda.
You immediately run outside and mimic what you just witnessed. The Bears like what they see and begin laughing.
> You are named an honorary bear.
The Bears like your act and decide to call you "Little Blue" in honor of your eyes. They also decide to call their cave "The Blue Room."
> You at your naming ceremony, you give a speech and say "Make me shoot honey from my bear tail."
Everyone laughs and you take a seat next to Bearlinda at the head table.
You look over at her and give her a big smile. She smiles back, but it seems a little forced.
Bearlinda bends over and says " Make me shoot honey from my bear tail" and does a little dance. Everyone laughs again.
You shake your head at the forced happiness and make eye contact with her again.
The moral of haiku inspired story: the more you try to have fun, the more miserable you will be. You need to just let go and enjoy the moment.
You decide that if you try hard enough you can have a good time.