EP313 #3

Posted under EP313 #3, Story On By Chief

You are Svenbald, a metal guitarist from Sweden. The name of your band is virtually unpronounceable. You decide to write the heaviest album in the history of metal. After grueling 8 weeks your masterpiece is finished and it's time to put your album onto a disk. Just as you about to finish something unusual happens. The junk around your recording studio starts to revolve around the disk as you realize that the album that you've wrote is so heavy it developed it's own gravitational pull and is starting to attract objects of lesser mass, increasing it's own weight. The process is unstoppable and is accelerating. Your studio is now a giant black hole sucking in everything in its path.

The only way out of this mess is to release an even heavier album which will destroy the universe.
> You get to work immediately on recording an even heavier album.
You're not going to let this happen! You have to do something before the black hole swallows up your entire studio!

Your first step is to start writing an even heavier song.
> You call Steven Hawking for advice.
You call Professor Hawking, a renowned theoretical physicist who once said, "The universe can only be held together by God's magic and the laws of nature."
you travel to a secluded undersea bunker with Steven and  Mio, a shy but beautiful female guitarist and begin to hammer out the bass line. After a few hours, you hit gold when Mio begins to strum the opening riff of "Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?".
> You invite the world's greatest metal bands to play on your album.
You call a meeting with all the headbanging, face-painting, heavy-drinking and hell-raising bands in the world. The first to arrive is Gorgutz from the Bleeding Cowboys.
The following nine bands also show up:
Auschwitz pigs from aKsia
Harbingers of the Black Light
Knights of the Turric Sun
Red Dragon
Suicide Girls
Thy Darksidemantic Mass
You proceed to record the album in one night, finishing at 4am.
You play the album on the loud speakers Earth has to offer and you watch as you unleash an even heavier album upon the world. The planet itself is shaken to its core, and the galaxy itself is changed forever.
After a week of used record stores playing the new album for free, you step down from your throne as the new metal god.
> You call Steven Hawking to chit chat and for more scientific advice.
You call Professor Hawking who is still fast asleep.
"Professor, wake up, it's not even morning yet!" You yell into the phone.
"What? Is the world coming to an end?"
Stephen Hawking tells you in order to neutralize the previous albums you must release a christian rock album.
You proceed to laugh for an hour and a half until he finally wakes up and you explain about the black hole that you created.
> You write an album so holy God himself listens to it.
With your new-found faith, you set about about writing a "holy" album. You take a month and write a song a day and only take two breaks.
You name your new holy album: "Holy Sh*t, The Galaxy's Coming To An End".
The album features one track with a spoken word intro by God himself (you guess) and that's it.
You sing the top 3 verses from the album:
Verse 1:
Holy Sh*t, The Galaxy's Coming To An End!
I'm really getting sick of these goddamn magic super-singers.
Can't even enter a fucking concert hall without some quaking ass holy man pissing all over my musical genre.
I mean, I get it. They're heroes, right? They stick it to the man and save some dumb ass hostages at a bank or some Bullshit.
But they never sing about anything meaningful. They don't even write their own songs!
After you sing, you begin to ascend into Heaven. You see your father and Jesus talking with each other.
Dad: "See? I told you he'd end up in here.
Jesus asks you to sign his copy of your album.
Jesus: "Great album, kid!"
You sign and say a few prayers for him.
You walk into God's office and see God smoking a cigar.  You walk up and ask God, "What is the meaning of life?"
God blows a smoke ring and says, "What do you mean?"
You: "Why is there something rather than nothing?
God: "What, you don't already know the answer to that?"
You: "I mean, if we can prove everything in the universe came from nothing, what else don't we know? Where did our universe come from? What created it? What created that? What..."
God: "Do you even want to know the meaning of the word 'fuck'?"
You: "Yes."
God: "Fine, fine, here it is: two things come into being when nothing else does: darkness and cold. An endless, dark abyss of nothingness that also contains absolute cold. These two things hate each other. They can never work together, so they fight. Everything is born from this battle: bands, tablets, programmers, and most importantly, you.
The moral of the story: love the cold because it's the only thing that can possibly destroy the darkness. This battle between hate and love is taking place all across the Universe, in every galaxy, in every time period.